Tag Archives: Top Ten List

Ten Things the “Dear Fat People” Vlogger Could Do Instead of Recording Boring, Hateful Videos

So, I finally broke down and watched the viral “Dear Fat People” video (not going to link, if you want to watch it you can find it easily), and, honestly, there’s nothing new to be said about it that hasn’t already been eloquently expressed by a gazillion other people, notably Lindy West at the Guardian and Whitney Thore on YouTube.  All I’ll share in terms of direct commentary on the video is my facial expression while watching it.  Enjoy:

wpid-wp-1441992754661.jpg

You’ll note that while I look disgusted, I am also bored.  If this girl wanted to truly shock anyone with fat-shaming, she could have at least been more original about it.  Like, I don’t know, she could have straight up beat a fat person on camera, maybe?  Oh, God, wait, I shouldn’t give her any ideas…if you’re reading this, hate vlogger person, THAT WAS A JOKE!  DON’T DO IT; IT IS A FELONY TO BEAT PEOPLE!

So instead of providing further commentary on the video itself, I present to you, dear readers, my list of Ten Things the “Dear Fat People” Vlogger Could Do Instead of Recording Boring, Hateful Videos:

10. Take a comedy class: This person is allegedly a “comedian,” though nothing I’ve seen from her shows that she is, or has ever been, remotely funny.  Her Google Info thingy says she is from Hamilton, Ontario, and a quick search finds that there is a nearby establishment, The Making Box, that provides FREE Improv Classes!  She should sign up!  Maybe they’ll help her discover some sort of comedic voice, eventually?

9. Donate to a Food Bank: It’s been proven that poverty and obesity are linked – when people don’t have access to fresh, healthy food, they eat whatever is cheapest and available, like fast food or junk food.  So if you’re really concerned about obesity, here’s a list (again, quick Google search) of Food Banks in the Hamilton area that she could donate to instead of making dumb videos!

8. Take a nap: This girl seems very grumpy about the existence of fat people.  Maybe she should take a nap?  I always feel better after a nap!  Naps are the best!

7. Do her job: As a result of this video, this person was allegedly fired from a legitimate showbiz job.  If she’d just done her job instead of recording this video, she would not have been fired!  What a concept, getting paid for doing real things!  (Ironically, the job was on an anti-bullying video/film).

6. Read a book: Books are great!  I wrote one, and I’m trying to get it published!  Since she can’t read my book (yet, fingers crossed), I have several recommendations:

Station Eleven (by Emily St. John Mandel): Post apocalypse, a troupe of musicians and actors travel the Great Lakes region performing Shakespeare and classical music for the survivors of a plague that has wiped out more than 99% of the world’s population.  Finished it this weekend, it was great!

Bossypants (by Tina Fey): An actual funny book written by an actual funny comedienne!  She could learn from this.

Any one of these 10 children’s books about kindness (Various Authors): The reading level (grades K-4) is probably her speed, and she could definitely stand to learn a thing or two about kindness!

5. Drink a margarita: Similar to #13, if I’m feeling stressed or grumpy or otherwise inclined towards being cruel to my fellow humans, a margarita instantly improves my mood!  You can get them at almost any bar, they’re wonderful!

4. Volunteer at a low income school: If she can’t find one in Canada, we have plenty here in the United States.  If she’s so concerned about obesity, children in low-income neighborhoods with limited resources at schools are generally less active and receive less education about health in general.  Volunteer an hour or two a week to give a local teacher some help so he or she can better help her students learn how to take care of their bodies and minds.

3. Have a cup of coffee: Maybe she made a boring, hateful video because she was off after having missed her daily cappuccino?  I prefer iced coffee and Starbucks Iced Chai Tea Lattes myself, but since she’s so concerned about calories she will probably just have hers black.  Either way, the caffeine should perk her right up and make her less likely to spew vitriol on the internet and focus her energies on more productive pursuits.

2. Donate to the American Heart Association (or similar organizations): This person seemed very concerned in the video about people dying of heart disease, so if she’s that worried she could donate money or time to one of the many reputable charities and organizations that are searching for a cure to this condition, which affects people of all sizes and weights!

1. Literally anything else: Do 100 jumping-jacks.  Watch You’ve Got Mail for the hundredth time and cry at the end when Meg Ryan discovers her correspondence-love was Tom Hanks all along (spoiler alert).  Go for a walk.  Eat a piece of pizza.  Take a dip in a pool.  Binge-watch all five live-action Star Trek TV series on Netflix (well, maybe not Enterprise, that one was kind of a dud).  Smell a flower.  Do literally anything else other than spew hate towards a group of people who have most likely experienced more emotional pain yesterday than you, as a thin, blonde, conventionally attractive woman, have experienced in the last ten years.

I highly doubt that this Vlogger will read this, but in case she does, feel free to add your own suggestions for things she could do instead of spewing hate in the comments!  I’m sure I missed a few!

The Ten Worst Things about Europe: Eurotrip 2015, Part Deux/Due

As promised earlier this week, I’m back with my list of the Ten Worst Things about Europe.  BE WARNED: THIS LIST CONTAINS PICTURES OF MY LEG AND ANKLE!  (This warning is mostly relevant to any of my readers who have traveled in time from the nineteenth century.  If you are reading this, sorry for lewd images, and also can I borrow your Tardis?).

10. Getting this bruise:

It has been nine days
It has been nine days

So I guess it’s kind of hard to see in that picture, but my first afternoon in Paris I was walking along the Rue Montorgueil (or as my non-French-speaking friends called it, the “Rue Mononmont…ugh, whatever”) and it was raining, like, SUPER hard, and I slipped in front of a bunch of skinny, smoking French people, and fell on my knee hard and it hurt like a motha, and the bruise is still there and going strong.  MERDE!

9.  Rain: This is a continuation of number 10, I guess, but it rained hard three days when I was in Europe and THIS WAS BULLSHIT.  Didn’t Europe know that it was me, Jackie, who was coming to visit it?  It couldn’t have held off on the rain for, like, one more week out of courtesy?  THANKS A LOT, EUROPE.  This would never have happened in California.* (On the plus side, I guess Europe does look pretty cool in the rain, see below).

Siena in the rain.  Pretty awesome, actually.
Siena in the rain. Pretty awesome, actually.

8. Air France:  Ok, this one isn’t funny and I don’t have a pic, but basically those assholes stole 216 bucks from me and I hate them and am never flying them again.  It’s a long story but if you really care you can check out my Twitter from this morning lol.

7.  Hangovers: When I was last in Europe, I was twenty years old and could literally club all night and drink endless wine without any repercussions.  Now that I am thirty this is most definitely not the case.  I paid dearly for this concoction, for instance (but, my God, was it delicious):

omg omg
omg omg

6. These shoes: 

So...chic?  Ugh.
They speak for themselves

So this is also a result of #9 – the evil RAIN.  My friend T and I were walking in the rain in Toms shoes to the Louvre, which was ill-advised on many levels, and we had no choice but to stop at a random shoe store and try to find waterproof shoes in our size.  Sadly, the only shoes available in my size were these (though T picked up a decent blue/black glittery pair which she threw out – bad decision, T!).  Apparently, the French have tiny feet.  The worst part was that I had to wear the above shoes with these pants:

The patterns really mesh well, don't you think?
The patterns really mesh well, don’t you think?

Not chic, guys.

5.  The number on this scale: 

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Who am I kidding?  I’ve been too afraid to get back on this old horse.  No matter how much walking I did, no way it made up for this:

TIRAMISU
TIRAMISU – I know I put this in the last post but it was SO GOOD.

4.  Bugs: The bugs in Europe are surprising vicious.  I was attacked by one especially horrid one in the courtyard of the Florence Basilica, leaving me with these scars two whole weeks later:

They still kind of itch, too.
They still kind of itch, too.

What I’m really saying is, the bugs in Europe hate Jesus.  Yeah, that’s it.

3. Smoking: Look, we Americans may be fat with big feet and cover all of our meals with melted cheese, but at least we’re not constantly inhaling poisonous fumes and blowing them all over other people.  I swear, no one in Europe can go twenty seconds without lighting up.  I’m kind of allergic, so this is genuinely awful for me.

2. Hot guys: Too many of them.  There’s such a thing as an embarrassment of riches, Europe.  Though they’re all skinnier than I am, so that helped matters.

1.  Paper and Candle Stores: Ok, Europe, what the hell – do you want me to be INCREDIBLY BROKE?  YOU HAVE STORES THAT SELL JUST PAPER AND JUST CANDLES EVERYWHERE.  Just LOOK at this beautiful effing fan I bought:

It's not ok that it is this beautiful
It’s not ok that it is this beautiful

I spent, like, twenty euros on this fan.  When, you may ask, am I ever going to use this fan?  NEVER, THAT’S WHEN.  But it is so pretty and made of hand-painted paper!

Also, LOOK AT THIS CANDLE:

Welp, there's another 20 Euro down the drain
Welp, there’s another 20 Euro down the drain

It looks like it’s made of glass, AND IT’S A WAX CANDLE.  COME ON, ITALY.  IS THIS A JOKE?  I’M GOING TO LIVE IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER AFTER THIS TRIP.

Don’t get me started on the soap stores.  I just didn’t go into them.  I would have had to declare bankruptcy if I had.

So, yeah, these are my top ten complaints about Europe.  As you might imagine, this was my face when I had to leave:

BUT I DIDN'T BUY ALL THE CANDLES IN EXISTENCE I CAN'T LEAVE YET!
BUT I DIDN’T BUY ALL THE CANDLES IN EXISTENCE I CAN’T LEAVE YET!

Love ya, Europe.  Never change! xoxo Jackie

*I am aware that it is actually a bad thing that it never rains in California.  I am not making light of the drought, which hopefully will be alleviated by El Niño.  Chill out, guys.  I care about the environment, GOD. 

The Top Ten Things about Europe: Eurotrip 2015, Part 1

Sunday afternoon, I returned to San Francisco from Eurotrip 2015™ and made a valiant effort to stay awake until 9 pm.  I failed immediately, and as a result I was a mess today and am now wide awake at 4:30 am.  So, what the hell, why not compose, for your reading pleasure, my list of the Top Ten Best Things about Europe?

Look at this frickin' statue. It's so great!
Look at this frickin’ statue. It’s so great!

10. Statues: It’s well known that Europe has approximately 300,000% more statues than America.  This has been proven by Science™.  In addition to the more famous statues, like the David above (apparently made by Michelangelo; who knew that the Ninja Turtles were such Renaissance mutants?), there’s just, like, so many random statues EVERYWHERE in Europe.  Just chillin’, as one does if one is a statue.  And they’re all crazy cool/beautiful/creepy, like this random statue of a baby I saw in Siena.  Love statues!

Creepy baby
Creepy baby

9. Views: Now, America has TONS of great views, don’t get me wrong, but the views in Europe are pretty killer and also very ancient because everything was built in the Middle Ages, which is ridiculous because they had to do it all with, like, levers and pullies and shit.  Nuts!

View from Eiffel Tower.
View from Eiffel Tower.

8. Ceilings: Ceilings in Europe >>>> ceilings elsewhere.  They had that on lock, like, 1000 years ago.  Can’t be beat, really.  Sorry, USA.

This is just in the opera house, not even a state building or anything!
This is just in the opera house, not even a state building or anything!

7.  Windows: To be clear, I’m talking about actual windows that you could use for defenestration, not Microsoft Windows.  That Windows sucks and is also apparently a tool for spying on your whole existence #macbookair4lyfe.

One of many impressive windows in Notre Dame.  No hunchbacks were injured in the taking of this photo.
One of many impressive windows in Notre Dame. No hunchbacks were injured in the taking of this photo.

6. Random art exhibits everywhere: Europe does not waste space in which to display/store art.  This random lit-up face sculpture, for instance, was in the vast basement of the ancient Medieval Siena hospital.  The face just had a whole room to itself.

Face Face!
Face Face!

5. Food: NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM

PASTA
PASTA
TIRAMISU
TIRAMISU

4. Churches: I’m not a religious person, but I have to say, Catholics back in the day knew how to build a church.  They did not screw around with Jesus or architecture.  NOICE.

The Duomo in Florence.  Massive, ridiculous, amazing.
The Duomo in Florence. Massive, ridiculous, amazing.

3. Bones: To be clear, I am not referring to the long-running procedural on Fox starring Emily Deschanel and Angel David Boreanaz that stopped being interesting once they got together. In Europe, they sometimes take, like, thousands of bones and stack them in underground caverns with creepy lighting and let tourists come in and look at them.  It’s like Halloween year-round, but more legit.

Just a skull.  RIP, brother!
Just a skull. RIP, brother!
Me with a new friend!
Me with a new friend!

2. Universal Health Care:  I don’t have a picture for this, but it’s pretty awesome and should sort of be a basic right and let’s get on this, America.

1. MOAR FOOD:  Lol you chumps didn’t really think I’d really leave the FOOD IN EUROPE at #5, did you?  The food is just ridiculous and now I have to not eat for weeks to fit back in my jeans.  BUT IT WAS WORTH IT.

WINE
WINE
Some amazing dessert
Some amazing dessert
PRAWNS
PRAWNS

Thanks for reading!  I’ll be back later this week with my list of the Ten WORST things about Europe 🙂