Tag Archives: Superman

Jackie live blogs Batman vs. Superman months after everyone else saw it because reasons

Happy Sunday! The other night, I decided to watch Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice On Demand, because I am a sad person who had nothing better to do and did not learn my lesson after seeing “Man of Steel” in theaters a couple years ago. Hey, at least I only spent 5 bucks on B v. S, as opposed to the FIFTEEN DOLLARS I gave Zack Synder for MOS. As I watched this nearly THREE-HOUR collection of random speeches and fight scenes with the occasional Ben Affleck nightmare thrown in movie, I opened a WordPress draft and jotted down my thoughts. Also, this is a huge DUH, but…

SPOILER ALERT: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN B V. S AND ACTUALLY WANT TO SEE IT AT SOME POINT!!!!!

JACKIE LIVE BLOGS BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN MONTHS AFTER EVERYONE ELSE SAW IT BECAUSE REASONS, featuring: 

Evil Mark Zuckerberg, aka Lex Luthor, aka EMZ for short

Ben Affleck’s chin butt

Henry Cavill’s chin butt

Amy Adams getting paid millions of dollars

Wonder Woman, who is The Best (TM)

A gross Zod-monster

Morpheus

Snark

Poor grammar and punctuation

It’s starting! I wish I had wine.

So we’re seeing Batman’s origin story again. Sure, ok, cool, haven’t seen that thirty times in a million other movies, fine.

Batman’s dad has a mustache, that’s new!

Jeremy Irons is in this movie? Oooh, Hans Zimmer does the score? Love it.

Who knew Batman’s mom was named Martha TOO?? I WONDER IF THAT WILL BE A PLOT POINT?

Um WHAT IS THIS BATS CANNOT MAKE KIDS FLY UNREALISTIC I CALL SHENANIGANS

OH it’s a dream, nm then. Ugh dreams.

You needed BRUCE WAYNE TO TELL YOU TO GET OUT OF THE BUILDING DURING A MASSIVE ALIEN ATTACK? COME ON NOW.

Flashback Bruce looks as dismayed watching Zod/Superman destroy Metropolis as I felt watching “Man of Steel.”

Oh good, this moron is praying now. Whatever, why didn’t HE GET OUT OF THE BUILDING? Stupid Jack, whoever Jack is.

So this is batman’s 9/11 okay fine

So I also hated man of steel, Bruce, but to be fair this is all zod’s fault as I recall so don’t look so salty.

When does Mark Zuckerberg show up?

Now we’re going on a world tour, okay

Oh god, amy adams, i forgot how much I hated her in this role and I usually love her, for real.

SHIT DID JIMMY OLSEN JUST GET MURDERED AND IS ALSO IN THE CIA? Or is that a random photo guy? Jimmy Olsen is a girl now, right? #feminism

LOL THAT WARLORD TOOK A GUN TO A SUPERMAN FIGHT

I feel like that whole african village genocide disaster would have been avoided if clark had just gone with her to the village in the first place.

Lol YOU DON’T CARE THAT YOU GOT A WHOLE VILLAGE MURDERED CLARK? Okay, sure, you’re a big hero, whatevs.

Of course in this scene Lois has to be naked in a bathtub.

I miss when Henry Cavill was on the Tudors, and when the Tudors was airing. That was pretty much the last time I watched Showtime.

Yay Batman doing a number on these human traffickers!

Jeremy Irons just makes me miss Michael Caine. He’s trying to give the doomsday speech from TDK but nothing beats “Some men just want to watch the world burn” in Caine’s nearly incomprehensible cockney.

Okay Henry Cavill with no shirt okay i see where you’re going with this zack snyder I’m on board.

Here’s mark zuckerberg and he’s really going all in on his Evil Mark Zuckerberg (EMZ) impression!

PEOPLE ARE DOING THINGS AT THE OFFICES OF FACEBOOK THAT YOU CAN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND, SENATOR SOUTHERNER!

Oh it’s Morpheus, hi! Bet you wish you took the other pill now, huh?

This seems like an unrealistic way to create news headlines and write a newspaper, how is the Daily Planet not out of business.

This movie is really choppy.

Oh, good, give Evil Mark Zuckerberg and his hair and hipster shirts access to the secret alien ship and Zod’s corpse, GOOD JOB GOVERNMENT.

Why is Bruce Wayne at Fight Club? Oh, right, the White Portuguese Russian or whatever

Oooh Clark is SUCH A BAT HATER

Every time Evil Mark Zuckerberg is onscreen I laugh. I don’t think it’s Jesse Eisenberg’s fault; Zack Snyder can’t direct or write or edit for shit, we knew this.

EWWWW BLEEDING GRAVES DREAM EEWWWWWW

Lol Alfred is your cranky mom who’s like WHEN YOU GONNA HAVE KIDS YOU AIN’T GETTIN’ ANY YOUNGER BRUCIE BOY!

Seriously, Clark, you don’t know who bruce wayne is? go back to smallville you moron.

YASS WONDER WOMAN. Lex Luthor sure invites a lot of superheroes to his soirees.

Wonder Woman is even less impressed with EMZ than I am.

Worst superhero pissing contest ever–I THINK YOU’RE DUMB NO I THINK YOU’RE DUMB!

Lol EMZ wants to “partner with” Bruce YEAAAHHH HE DOES.

Wow, bruce wayne is really bad at spying.

I do not care that Superman saved this girl or anyone.

I am bored by this superman saving people montage, Neil DeGrasse Tyson cameo notwithstanding

Gal Gadot’s wardrobe is amazing, and so far she is the best thing in this movie.

Okay I am confused as to how we got to this weird desert-place fight. Is this real? Is this a flashback?

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WHO IS THAT GUY IN BATMAN’S VISION/DREAM WHAT IS HAPPENING?

This movie is really just all over the place for no reason. I feel like the plot and various flashbacks/dreams could have been shortened and simplified and been much more powerful. And I know it’s not Marvel, but would it kill anyone to make a joke (on purpose) occasionally?

Okay I paused Comcast and made a salad with avocado. Yum!

I’m back. Ooh, obligatory batmobile vs. foreign black market criminals car chase w/rocket launchers and explosions.

Oh shit clark showed up and batman took a batmobile to a superman fight.

Okay for real superman is being very judge-y here. So batman put away one human trafficker who got killed in prison, fine, but superman should know after fighting Zod that there is sometimes collateral damage, including my soul after watching Man of Steel. He can lay off.

Shocker, Evil Mark Zuckerberg set up superman and batman and everyone!

lol soledad o’brien cameo!

Now we are moving into the extremely exciting CSPAN portion of the film.

Okay, so CSPAN was more exciting than I thought with ex-Wayne employee suicide bombing.

I am unmoved by this dramatic scene btw lois and clark at this time.

Bat workout/bat gadget building montage ftw! And while I prefer shirtless Henry Cavill, I ain’t mad at shirtless Ben Affleck either.

Shocker, Lex Luthor is spying on Wonder Woman, who is immortal and also KNOWS CAPTAIN KIRK Y’ALL! Now that is a movie I am excited for.

Unclear what Luthor is doing in the pond in the krypton ship other than generally trying to TAKE OVER THE WORLD, IT’S WHAT WE DO EVERY NIGHT, PINKY.

Oh, god, not clark kent hiking again and now field of dreams is happening at what i assume is the fortress of solitude.

And now a short and boring history of the Wayne family.

if they kill superman’s mom i’m gonna be real mad.

Gee, I wonder if they’re gonna capture lois lane, too! This bitch always getting captured.

If I were Lois I would jump myself off that building just so I wouldn’t have to listen to Evil Mark Zuckerberg anymore.

How much longer is this movie?

SHUT UP EVIL MARK ZUCKERBERG YOU ARE A MEDIOCRE MONOLOGUIST–IS THAT A WORD?–AT BEST.

I just checked and there is a FULL HOUR left in this movie.

Superman looks real constipated as he flies around.

Please, let Wonder Woman get involved so she can help move this along and wrap it up. Bitches get shit done.

Ooh, now we meet the rest of the Justice League, this is cool! Love that Khal Drogo is in the Justice League.

I want Barry White’s expense account. GET LOIS A CHOPPER! GET TO THA CHOPPA!

BRUCE AND CLARK ARE FACE TO FACE MAKE OUT DO IT DO IT!

Aww, no making out, I am disappoint.

Oh no Kryptonite gas and kryptonite armor oh nooooeees.

It is unclear when the kryptonite affects superman vs. not; he seems to recover randomly throughout the fight.

This is a fairly boring fight, like zero suspense as we know they eventually kiss and make up.

Um really? Batman is a murderer now, he gonna kill Clark? I don’t buy it.

Oh good, here comes Lois to be awful as usual.

It is quite useful that they both have moms named Martha! I CALLED IT, MOVIE, YOU CAN’T PULL NOTHIN’ ON ME!

Oh wow Lois is not awful for once; good for her!

Wait so that was all it took, them having moms with the same name? Now they’re friends? Really? This is how a bromance starts?

WHERE IS WONDER WOMAN?

Alfred is so chill about battling Russian mercenaries remotely via drone.

Okay, I like this fight, this is good, old-fashioned, Batman ass kicking Russians stuff to save Martha Deux.

How awkward would it be if Batman just totally let Martha die? “Hey, so Clark, uh, bad news, buddy…”

Martha meets Batman: “I’m a friend of your son’s.” “I figured…the cape.” Literally only line I laughed at in the whole movie so far that I was supposed to laugh at.

SHUT UP EVIL MARK ZUCKERBERG.

That monster made from Zod and EMZ blood is gross.

WHERE IS WONDER WOMAN SHE COULD BE VERY USEFUL RN IS ALL I’M SAYING.

Lol I love that Anderson Cooper is reporting on the monster with CNN scroll “ARMY CLASHES WITH CREATURE” that’s pretty good.

Wonder Woman is finally like, okay, these douches obvi cannot handle this without me brb flight attendant I gotta go take care of this for them because #feminism #ImWithHer.

The prez gonna nuke superman like a moron. I’m sure Trump would be all over that, he’s not a fan of immigrants, as we know.

Batman is like, OH NO MY NEW AND ONLY FRIEND WAAAAAAH WE WERE GONNA HAVE BOARD GAME NIGHT!

I’m so shocked that by nuking the monster they made it stronger. Attacking the monster with energy NEVER MAKES IT STRONGER, NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF MONSTERS (*dies from sarcasm*)

Zod-monster is un-killable, except, I BET, WITH BATMAN’S KRYPTONITE SCEPTER AMIRITE?

I was right about the scepter.

Superman is enjoying a really luxurious yellow sun bath rn and he looks ten years younger, it’s better than a leech facial, can I get a groupon for that treatment?

YASS WONDER WOMAN FINALLY!

Okay, I love that both boys are like, “wait, she’s not with you?”

Zero surprise that WW joins the team and the movie gets 10x snappier and more entertaining #misandry #mwahaha

GOOD JOB LOIS YOU COULD HAVE COMPLETELY AVOIDED ALMOST DROWNING IF YOU’D JUST CHILLED OUT FOR THREE SECONDS. Even Clark’s like, girl, just leave this one to me, okay? it’s cute that you try, but come on.

Lois, chill, Clark ain’t gonna die.

Wait, wait, wait. What?

Nuh-uh, is this shit for real?

I do not buy it. How do you have a Justice League without Superman? I assume he gonna be resurrected, I dunno, I didn’t read the comics, but he’s basically Jesus, right? I haven’t been to church in over a decade, either; I don’t remember how this works. Something about a cave and a rock and a prostitute?

Now there are dual funerals with symbolism and an engagement ring, and Batman is all like, “I failed him.” Uh, yeah, Batman. You totally did fail him. A lot. WW agrees with me, too.

“The devil’s coming omg he’s coming ding ding ding!” God, Bald Evil Mark Zuckerberg is annoying right up until the bitter end, isn’t he?

Okay yeah def Superman’s gonna be resurrected, floating dirt particles, okay fine.

After credits scene? Nope, not on Comcast at least.

Verdict: This movie was meh at best. I was entertained (and even surprised by Superman/Jesus death) by the last hour, but the first 1.5 hours needed some MAJOR editing. Also, a note to filmmakers: if your flashback or dream does not move the plot forward, CUT IT. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I would have liked the movie better if it had more shirtless Henry Cavill, as well, because I like objectifying hot men because MISANDRY, MWAHAHAHAH!