Tag Archives: MondayBlogs

Meditation: A Questionable Guide (A-Z Challenge)

Happy Monday! I’m on “M” in the A to Z Challenge, so I thought I’d share my meditation techniques with you all. I am a master at meditation, if by “master” you mean “someone whose therapist told her to try it, so she bought an e-book on the subject which she somehow managed to delete instead of Fifty Shades of Grey, which is now somehow a permanent fixture on her Kindle home screen, much to her embarrassment.” DAMN YOU TO HELL FOREVER, E.L. JAMES!

Ahem. So, I’m maybe not a meditation master per se, but I’ve been told repeatedly by MANY gurus and therapists and consultants and dogs and voices in my head that there is no wrong way to meditate. So, this is my way–maybe you’ll find it inspiring!

The Jackie Meditation Method™ (overpriced instructional dvd coming soon):

  1. Get into a comfortable position: I like to find a good spot where I can sit comfortably in a “wakeful” position, per the instructions of the app on my phone. I know you’re not supposed to meditate on your bed, because you could fall asleep, but my floor is usually dirty so I just get into a cross-legged position on the bed anyways, which is fine because I’m sitting up straight and–
  2.  Wake up 45 minutes later: Okay, so I fell asleep. That’s fine! There’s no wrong way to meditate, and–shit, I’m late for therapy. Damn it, where are my shoes? Where’s my checkbook? WHERE IS MY BRA?
  3. Go to therapy and discuss meditation techniques: My therapist asks me how my meditation is going. I lie, and he doesn’t believe me. We discuss my childhood and I cry and write him a huge check and pay an extra $15 in uber surge pricing to get home because Muni is down.
  4. Get into a comfortable position, take 2: I return home after therapy, eat a healthy meal of salad and yogurt for dessert, and try for some calming evening meditation around 7:30 pm. I set out my yoga mat and sit cross legged on my living room floor. I begin breathing deeply and–
  5. Wake up six hours later: What the fuck? How did I end up under the coffee table hugging my yoga mat? And where are my pants? Also, it’s 1 am and I’m starving, so I eat approximately 4,000 pieces of bread. I try to fall back asleep and fail until 5 am, at which point I nap for another 90 minutes before actually getting up to get my day started–exhausted.
  6. Drink 3,000 cups of coffee: How the hell else am I supposed to get anything done today? My hands are shaking a little, but that’s only to be expected…is my heart beating a little faster than normal? God, my stomach doesn’t feel so good…
  7. Have a full scale panic attack: OH GOD OH GOD TOO MUCH CAFFEINE HOW WILL I SLEEP TONIGHT MUCH LESS MEDITATE AND OMG THE KEYBOARD MY FINGERS ARE SHAKING SO HARD I CAN’T HIT THE KEAYAAPSODAS SJALSKDJPQOIWJE[O AWPOFJ (rocks back and forth clutching knees to chest, sobs)
  8. Try to meditate to calm down: OH, FUCK THIS SHIT. (*fumbles around in medication drawer*)
  9. Take a Xanax: Nirvana achieved, bitches.

 

I wish you a pleasant and peaceful day of meditation, coffee, and benzodiazepenes!

Please share your own meditation methods in the comments because THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO DO THIS, DO YOU HEAR ME?