Tag Archives: Guide

The White Girl’s Guide to Listening to #Lemonade

I greatly enjoy Beyoncé’s new album and am seeing her in concert on Monday, so here is my guide to how to listen to her new album #Lemonade if you, like myself, are a white girl:

Step 1: Watch the visual album and/or listen to the tracks on Tidal or iTunes, etc.

Step 2: Decide whether or not you like it. If you do like it, keep listening to it and feel free to tell people that you enjoyed it! If you do not like it, you do not have to keep listening to it and can listen to something else, or watch Netflix or have a beer or something.

Step 4: Refrain from writing any lengthy think-pieces about Lemonade on the internet with your special white-girl perspective or bemoaning about how it’s for black women and not for you specifically because no one needs that, nor do they care.

Step 5: That’s it. Congrats! You have successfully listened to Lemonade as a white girl!

Step 6 (Optional): If desired, drink a glass of actual lemonade and enjoy that, because lemonade the drink is actually quite refreshing and delicious.

You’re welcome.

 

 

Meditation: A Questionable Guide (A-Z Challenge)

Happy Monday! I’m on “M” in the A to Z Challenge, so I thought I’d share my meditation techniques with you all. I am a master at meditation, if by “master” you mean “someone whose therapist told her to try it, so she bought an e-book on the subject which she somehow managed to delete instead of Fifty Shades of Grey, which is now somehow a permanent fixture on her Kindle home screen, much to her embarrassment.” DAMN YOU TO HELL FOREVER, E.L. JAMES!

Ahem. So, I’m maybe not a meditation master per se, but I’ve been told repeatedly by MANY gurus and therapists and consultants and dogs and voices in my head that there is no wrong way to meditate. So, this is my way–maybe you’ll find it inspiring!

The Jackie Meditation Method™ (overpriced instructional dvd coming soon):

  1. Get into a comfortable position: I like to find a good spot where I can sit comfortably in a “wakeful” position, per the instructions of the app on my phone. I know you’re not supposed to meditate on your bed, because you could fall asleep, but my floor is usually dirty so I just get into a cross-legged position on the bed anyways, which is fine because I’m sitting up straight and–
  2.  Wake up 45 minutes later: Okay, so I fell asleep. That’s fine! There’s no wrong way to meditate, and–shit, I’m late for therapy. Damn it, where are my shoes? Where’s my checkbook? WHERE IS MY BRA?
  3. Go to therapy and discuss meditation techniques: My therapist asks me how my meditation is going. I lie, and he doesn’t believe me. We discuss my childhood and I cry and write him a huge check and pay an extra $15 in uber surge pricing to get home because Muni is down.
  4. Get into a comfortable position, take 2: I return home after therapy, eat a healthy meal of salad and yogurt for dessert, and try for some calming evening meditation around 7:30 pm. I set out my yoga mat and sit cross legged on my living room floor. I begin breathing deeply and–
  5. Wake up six hours later: What the fuck? How did I end up under the coffee table hugging my yoga mat? And where are my pants? Also, it’s 1 am and I’m starving, so I eat approximately 4,000 pieces of bread. I try to fall back asleep and fail until 5 am, at which point I nap for another 90 minutes before actually getting up to get my day started–exhausted.
  6. Drink 3,000 cups of coffee: How the hell else am I supposed to get anything done today? My hands are shaking a little, but that’s only to be expected…is my heart beating a little faster than normal? God, my stomach doesn’t feel so good…
  7. Have a full scale panic attack: OH GOD OH GOD TOO MUCH CAFFEINE HOW WILL I SLEEP TONIGHT MUCH LESS MEDITATE AND OMG THE KEYBOARD MY FINGERS ARE SHAKING SO HARD I CAN’T HIT THE KEAYAAPSODAS SJALSKDJPQOIWJE[O AWPOFJ (rocks back and forth clutching knees to chest, sobs)
  8. Try to meditate to calm down: OH, FUCK THIS SHIT. (*fumbles around in medication drawer*)
  9. Take a Xanax: Nirvana achieved, bitches.

 

I wish you a pleasant and peaceful day of meditation, coffee, and benzodiazepenes!

Please share your own meditation methods in the comments because THERE IS NO RIGHT WAY TO DO THIS, DO YOU HEAR ME?

The millennial’s guide for how to vote for the “right” candidate in the primaries

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Primary season is upon us! If you’re lucky and not being voter suppressed and are able to get away from work/childcare/other life duties and actually vote in your state’s upcoming primary or caucus, you have an important decision to make: who will you support for your party’s nomination for President? I know it can be daunting, especially for millennials who don’t have decades of experience in becoming apathetic and exhausted by our disastrous political system voting. Fear not, fellow twenty-and thirty-somethings! I have put together the following guide to help you exercise your most cherished democratic right and duty.

Step 1: Ensure you can properly name and stereotype each candidate. For Democrats, this is easy! You only have Crazy Socialist Old Jewish Dude and Feminazi Wall Street Lover Vagina-haver to choose from (Mr. Pleasant-faced Generic White Guy already peaced out; RIP Pleasant-faced Generic White Guy!). For Republicans, you’ve got Crazy Billionaire Who Wants to Bang His Daughter, the Guy Who Doesn’t Know How Hoodies Work, the Sleepy Surgeon, the…oh, who am I kidding. If you’re a millennial you’re probably not voting Republican. If you are, I wish you well–may the powers that be help you in choosing a candidate from among these clowns!

Step 2: Do your research. Remember, there’s a lot of misinformation out there, so you have to dig deep to make sure you’re getting the real scoop on what issues each candidate will prioritize once in office. Examine their voting records in Congress, read their books and writings (going back to college and graduate school, if possible), watch their public addresses and speeches on YouTube, read the endorsements of various newspapers and organizations…

Step 3: …Shit. That’s A LOT more work than you thought. Both of these assholes have, like, decades of service under their belts, and they’ve both done good and bad things during that time! I mean, obviously income inequality is a big issue, but so is gun control…I guess they both support reproductive rights, but Hillary got Planned Parenthood’s endorsement, but Killer Mike likes Bernie, and…wow, this was a lot easier four years ago when there just wasn’t a democratic primary and you hated Romney a lot.

Step 4: Don’t panic and read Facebook. Luckily for you, most of your Facebook friends are politically-minded! They’re sharing really interesting pieces from writers big and small on your feed, from all perspectives: the LGBTQ community, feminists, activists of color, political giants, foreign policy specialists, small business owners, you name it. Dive in, and prepare yourself to be informed up the WAZOO! Your choice will be easy as pie once you take in this information.

Step 5: Wow there is some SERIOUS shit going down here on Facebook. Huh. You’ve only clicked on one article your friend from college posted and people are having some REAL STRONG REACTIONS in the comments. Someone just called someone else a bitch, and that girl just said that other guy is a “berniebro,” and now everyone is talking about false narratives and apparently if you vote for Hillary it’s only because you have a vagina, but if you vote for Bernie you are betraying your vagina, and maybe our political system is now dependent on the votes of our genitalia? How would voting genitalia even work? It seems like voting machines would have to be majorly redesigned…

Step 6: Something something Supreme Court nomination. Holy shit, Scalia died! Wait, Mitch McConnell says Obama can’t nominate a successor? What is this shit? Also people are saying OBAMA should be the next justice, but like he is already President…oh, after he’s done being Prez, you mean, and either Hillary or Bernie could nominate him…but doesn’t Obama deserve a vacation from this crazy country after the past 8 years? Oh God, Scalia is dead, after all! Am I being disrespectful of the dead? This think piece says I am, but this other one says I’m not, and this one says the election is now turned on its head, and this one says the Zika virus is turning the world into Children of Men, and THIS ONE says that Bernie is actually an alien, and THIS ONE says Hillary is an Ewok, and THIS ONE says #OscarsSoWhite, and THIS ONE says…

Step 7: Descend into madness. HOW DID BOTH OF THESE CANDIDATES BECOME EVIL ALL OF A SUDDEN? WHAT THE FUCK? WAIT WAIT WAIT A COUPLE YEARS BACK EVERYONE WAS SHARING BADASS MEMES OF HILLARY ON A PLANE TEXTING BUT NOW SHE HATES BLACK PEOPLE AND LOVES BANKS? AND BERNIE IS LOVABLY GRUFF AND HATES CAPITALISM BUT DIDN’T LISTEN TO VERMONT’S BLACK LEADERS AND ALSO MAYBE LIKES GUNS? HILLARY LOVES HEALTHCARE BUT MAYBE HATES BEYONCE? WAIT, DOES BERNIE HATE BEYONCE, TOO? CAN WHITE PEOPLE LIKE BEYONCE? DO I EVEN LIKE BEYONCE? SHOULD I JUST VOTE FOR BEYONCE? AM I ALLOWED TO LIKE “FORMATION?” WHAT ABOUT KANYE, IS HE CRAZY OR WHAT?

Step 8: Cry. sobsobsobsobsobsobsobsob can’t we just have Obama for a third term?

Step 9: Have a stiff drink. God damn it, get yourself together and make a God-damned decision! YOU ARE AN ADULT YOU CAN MAKE THIS ONE CHOICE.  

Step 10: Call your most bigoted, sexist, “The Civil War was really the War of Northern Agression” relation and ask them which candidate they hate the most. Vote for that one. 

BOOM! DEMOCRACY, I OWN YOU! YOU ARE MY BITCH! HUZZAH!

You’re welcome, millennials!