Tag Archives: GOP

Dear GOP Senate: the first black POTUS still beat you. Twice.

Dear every GOP Senator who voted today to move forward on repealing the ACA,

Barack Obama still beat you.

Twice.

That’s right. The guy with the funny name and the big ears and the brown, brown skin.

He beat you. He beat you good.

You know who I’m talking about, right? That guy. The one with the beautiful, blacker-even-than-he-was (gasp!) wife who committed the great sin of trying to get people to take a stroll and eat the occasional vegetable. You recall him, I believe? Unlike Kislyak, he’s easy to remember. You know: the tall, handsome one, with the cute kids and the broad smile and the extensive vocabulary?

The one with the Ivy League degrees earned without the help of family money or a legacy name?

The one who won more votes for president than any other person in American history?

The one with the truly impressive inauguration crowd photos?

Yeah, that guy: Barack Hussein Obama. Oh, you sure adored emphasizing that middle name of his! It was your little wink-wink, nudge-nudge, on Fox News or CNN (pre “Fake News!”). You enjoyed needling him with the name he was proud of, the name his father gave him. That gave you a little thrill, didn’t it?

He still beat you.

Twice.

Let’s be real – you stopped giving a shit about not-rich and not-Russian people years ago, but you’d be far less anxious to repeal a now-popular-with-your-constituents, landmark healthcare bill that saves thousands of lives a year if it had been signed by a Democrat with appropriately lily-white hands.

But you still can’t get over it that this brown nobody, who wasn’t groomed for Capitol Hill (or at least the Alabama State House) from birth, whose parents’ interracial marriage used to be illegal in many US states, beat you.

Twice.

And people loved him. Love him, still. They cheer him wherever he goes, with his crisp shirt unbuttoned at the neck, revealing his well-earned vacation tan. Still in his fit fifties, he has years of accolades and humanitarian work ahead of him, while you all have one foot in the grave and the other tied up in the twisted old Confederate flag Bree Newsome tossed defiantly into the sun-baked dirt.

He was, and is, better than you. He changed history, regardless of what you do to his bill now. He changed the conversation. He raised expectations. He made us better, while you drag us down and try, with hand over heart and a word or two about God uttered with a glance up at the dome, to kill the meekest among us.

He was not, and is not, perfect. God, far from it. But he is, above all, a decent man: no sleaze, no scandal, not one opening for you to jab in the knife of, “Him?! An example for our kids?” 

Because he is an example, for all kids. Regardless of color or creed or gender or age.

That’s the future, you know. We’re starting to live in it. A world where your grandson may come home from sports practices one day and tell you he wants to grow up to be as good an athlete as Serena, or where your millennial niece may tell you she decided to become an activist because of John Lewis. A world where your son’s decision to join the armed forces is inspired not by John McCain’s sacrifice, but by Tammy Duckworth’s.

You lost the future years ago. You’re losing it every day. As narrow-minded and cruel as you are, you must be scared. It’s scary when everything you’ve ever known to be true about your own innate superiority is shown to be a lie. I’d almost feel sorry for you, if it weren’t for the fact that you’re actively working to harm or kill anyone who looks or thinks or loves or worships differently from you.

I’m sure many of you will go to sleep tonight contented with the days’ work, grateful that your esteemed colleague’s newfound terminal cancer diagnosis hasn’t deterred him from his goal of taking healthcare away from millions of his fellow human beings. But as unconsciousness overtakes you in your soft beds in your D.C. townhouses, I hope one final recollection rises to the surface and echoes softly in the back of your minds:

Barack Obama, the first black president, is better than you. And he still beat you.

Twice.

Sweet dreams.

Ten Faces Paul Ryan Makes When He Remembers He Publicly Supports Donald Trump

Here are ten faces Paul Ryan* makes (to himself for now, but I’m sure increasingly to others as the election continues, especially if Trump continues to publicly accept congratulations on being “right” when 50 people are murdered in a gay club by an asshole) when he is just going about his day and then suddenly remembers that he has publicly endorsed Donald Trump for President and has committed himself to voting for him in November.

*Also applies to Mitch McConnell.

10. tobias blue giv

9.jim halpert no

8. picard facepalm gif

7. i don't feel so good gif.gif

6. lucille aaah.gif

5. dr. who.gif

4. sad wine gif.gif

3. shame gif.gif

2. horrified clueless.gif

And, of course…

1. made a huge mistake.gif

Oh, Paul. I’d say I feel sorry for you, but you brought this on yourself. If it makes you feel any better, at least people forgot about this for a moment!

paul ryan workout

Ten things legislators in North Carolina & Georgia could do instead of passing anti-LGBT laws

If you are “woke,” or even just regular-old conscious, you’ve probably heard about the latest BS coming out of North Carolina: a law that is essentially state-sponsored bigotry in the guise of “concern” for women and children who might unknowingly pee in a public restroom stall adjacent to an individual whose genitalia do not match their own, which would lead to…death, I guess? Apocalypse? It’s unclear, but sadly a similar law is being considered in Georgia, because apparently some state legislators just like to watch the world burn (and also to watch Disney and any other corporation or individual with a conscience spend their money elsewhere).

Three thousand think pieces have already been written about the law, and other than the obvious bigotry and ignorance behind it, people are also outraged because SERIOUSLY THIS IS HOW GOVERNMENT IS SPENDING CITIZENS’ TAX MONEY? To that end, I humbly submit the following ten ideas for what legislators in NC and Georgia could do with their time other than pass harmful and hateful laws to discriminate against some of their most vulnerable constituents:

10. Clean a public bathroom: Honestly, the biggest danger of public restrooms is how FUCKING DIRTY THEY ARE. Who gives a shit what’s between the legs of the person in the stall next to you if you have to put on a hazmat suit just to pee without fear at your local mall after drinking an extra-large Jamba Juice while browsing the clearance rack at Nordstrom Rack? If you really care about the experience people have in public restrooms in your state, get some rubber gloves, some Lysol, a toothbrush, and have at it. EVERYONE, gay, straight, black, white, transgender, cis will thank you, and as politicians you should have plenty of experience cleaning up shit (especially of your own making)!

9. Legislate against people who pee on the toilet seat: Related to point #10–you want to talk about a THREAT TO HARD-WORKING AMERICANS? How about those monsters who pee on the toilet seat and then don’t wipe it off? Where’s the fine against those assholes?  I don’t care if the person washing their hands at the next sink is a man, woman, cis, trans, genderqueer, or Martian, as long as they WIPE OFF THE SEAT AND FLUSH LIKE A GODDAMNED HUMAN BEING. You want to crack down on aberrant bathroom behaviors? I promise this is an issue all parties can get behind.

pee

8. Try to fix poverty: Allegedly, these legislators are worried about the welfare of women and girls, hence this law. If they ACTUALLY cared about women and girls (and men, and people of color, and humans), NC and GA legislators could spend some real time brainstorming and enacting legislation to pull more of their citizens out of poverty, which would be helpful, as NC is #31 on the national poverty ranking, and GA is (gulp) #43. At the very least, they could refrain from passing measures, like North Carolina did with this VERY BILL, that make it illegal for municipalities to raise their minimum wage on their own, which could, ya know, TAKE PEOPLE OUT OF POVERTY and therefore HELP FAMILIES. From NPR:

The bill would bar cities or counties from imposing their own minimum wage. So any move to establish a local minimum wage higher than the $7.25 an hour federal minimum wage would be a nonstarter. This has been done by other cities such as Seattle, which is phasing in a $15 an hour minimum wage.

Yeah, I’m totally sure this bill was ALL about helping people, uh-huh, sure, okay!

7. Catch up on Daredevil: Don’t get me wrong-Season 1 was WAAAAY better than Season 2, but Charlie Cox has still got it, Foggy is my hero, and I’ll watch Deborah Ann Woll in anything. The point is, NC & GA legislators, take a break from the misplaced fear of things you don’t understand and enjoy some good, old-fashioned Marvel superhero death and gore–your constituents will thank you for it, especially if you miss work after a night of binge-watching and therefore are unable to pass further bullshit laws!

6. Pet a dog: At the end of the day, these legislators seem REALLY worried that some dude with a beard named Eric who was given the name Erica at birth and used to wear a pink onesie before he figured out who he really is might be taking a dump in the next stall while they’re shopping at Target. Being that upset out about such a non-event leads me to believe that they are suffering from some major stress, and according to Science, petting a dog can lower your blood pressure, calm you down, and make you a happier, healthier person! You can’t pet my dog, though–she’s allergic to bullying bigots, sorry!

wp-1458862884540.jpg
Oh, did a bigot want to pet me? Sorry, I’m scheduled to lie in this chair all day and dream about treats.

5. Actually talk to a transgender person: Though they have every reason to hate the world, many transgender and gender non-conforming people are REALLY nice and open and would be happy to converse with legislators in NC, GA or any other state about their lives! Instead of relying on outdated biases to form opinions on trans people, legislators could have a beer, coke, or raw vegan smoothie with a transgender person and perhaps realize that they are, in fact, just PEOPLE–albeit often disadvantaged and depressed people, due to the discrimination they face.

4. Watch a Fixer Upper Marathon on HGTV: Everyone, homophobic misguided legislator or no, will benefit from watching Chip and Joanna redo crumbling homes in Waco for, like, three dollars. This should be required viewing for every American. JUST LOOK AT THEM.

chip and jo
LOOK AT THESE PERFECT HUMANS ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

3. Build a time machine to extricate themselves from the distant past: Look, these legislators are so out of it that they must be literally stuck in the past, so they obviously need to pool their resources, fix up an old Delorean, invent a flux capacitor, get back to the stones at Craigh na Dun, call up HG Wells, and come meet the rest of us here in the present.

2-back-to-the-future-marty-doc-delorean-large_trans++wMpl-Jpdv5EMZZkofEupHLdu0TL-Cg_AMOUqySXmFgU
Well see you in 2016 whenever you’re ready to join us, GA and NC GOP!
Outlander 2014
Disclaimer: I cannot promise that your time travel experience will result in meeting a smokin’ Scotsman.

2. Watch “Formation” and freak out again: Remember a few weeks back when Beyonce was the main thing ultra-conservatives were losing their minds over? Can we go back to that? Hey, legislators, watch the video again, and get REAL angry and forget to do the rest of your jobs! Look at her, all…dance-y…and…woman-y…and…black. And remember when she RUINED THE SUPER BOWL TOO AND MADE YOU LOOK UP FROM YOUR NACHOS? Remember how mad you were? Yeah! YOU KNOW YOU HATE HER, GOP DUDES, LET THE HATE FLOW THROUGH YOU!

beyonce
Just watch the vid again…and again…and again…no need to go to work, or pass any laws, or do anything but have a rage stroke. Shhh. It’s okay. Keep watching…

1. Quit: Let’s get real, GOP lawmakers in GA and NC–you are dinosaurs. Your views are outdated and wrong; your priorities do not match those of reasonable people who are able to empathize with others who do not look, sound, or act exactly like themselves. Your greatest claim to fame will be when you are portrayed by an aged DiCaprio or Redmayne in thirty years as the villains in an Oscar bait movie. So why not quit while you’re ahead in the bigotry game?  Just go! Resign and withdraw to your gated communities and private manors, where you can take comfort in knowing that the only person using your marble-tiled bathroom will be you.

Hey, anyone know how I can get any of these suggestions put into law? 😉

 

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post, please drop a comment below! Peace!

 

 

 

May I please remind you that it does not say “R.S.V.P Christians Only” on the Statue of Liberty!

cher gum
Even this bitch gets it, GOP

Hey, like, dear 21st century people and the
GOP or whatever:

So like, right now for example. The Syrians need to come to America. But some people are all, “What about ISIS and terrorism and stuff?” Well it’s like when my likely Jewish forebears were being persecuted for their religion in Europe, right? The US was like, well, we’re not big fans of you guys and would greatly prefer you stay out of our great country because you’re gross or maybe Nazi spies or whatever.  My great-grandpa or whoever was like totally buggin’.  He and his family had to haul ass across Europe, somehow find transport on some disgusting boat with no masseuses or cell phones or, like, shoe shiners or anything, and finally settle in the United States.  And then his kids and grandkids and nieces and nephews and stuff had to work their asses off so that they could create lives for themselves and, ultimately, become so successful that I now live in a totally classic house with columns that date all the way back to 1972!  So by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier in terms of immigrants because, like, we’re a country of immigrants and the only people who aren’t actually immigrants and who ever had the right to be, “like, GTFO” were the Native Americans. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, and stop being complete assholes with no concept of American geography, we could certainly party with the Syrians.  And in conclusion, may I please remind you it does not say “R.S.V.P. Christians Only” on the Statue of Liberty!

Thanks!

Cher Horowitz

Addendum: Review of Cher’s speech from classmate Travis Birkenstock:

“Two thumbs up!  Fine holiday fun!  Also, love the lack of complete assholery and racism!”

Politics of Petty Negativity: Oh, Jeb(!) Edition

So on Facebook this morning I posted a rant about Jeb(!) Bush(!)’s latest gaffe, in which he said, in a Town Hall on Saturday in South Carolina:

“Universities ought to have skin in the game,” the former Florida governor said at a South Carolina town hall with Sen. Tim Scott and Rep. Trey Gowdy. “When a student shows up, they ought to say ‘Hey, that psych major deal, that philosophy major thing, that’s great, it’s important to have liberal arts … but realize, you’re going to be working a Chick-fil-A.'”

“The number one degree program for students in this country … is psychology,” Bush said. “I don’t think we should dictate majors. But I just don’t think people are getting jobs as psych majors. We have huge shortages of electricians, welders, plumbers, information technologists, teachers.”

There is so much to unpack here, it’s insane.

Understandably, a LOT of people were upset about this bullshit he spouted, myself included.  My initial anger was due to the insult aimed at psychology majors in particular.  I feel very strongly about this, because:

A.) I know many psych majors who have gone on to land important, wonderful, and even high-paying(!) jobs, from medicine, to HR, to clinical psychology and research, to labor work, to writing…the list goes on.  To imply that psych majors have no career options is just wrong and shows that he doesn’t know what the ever-loving fuck he’s talking about.

B.) Dismissing psychology as a valid field of study is dangerous.  People who struggle with mental illness have to overcome enough stigma and red tape to seek psychological assistance (therapy, etc.) as it is, and for a major political figure to imply that this is an unimportant area of study doesn’t help matters.

C.) On a personal note, psychology saved my life.  My therapist (who, yeah, has a job!  It’s therapy! He gets paid and everything!), one of those lowly psych majors, helped me out of a major depression and suicidal episode earlier this year and continues to help me.  His is an essential profession, so to hear a major candidate say something that might dissuade others with an interest from pursuing it…well, it rubs me the wrong way.

As I re-read Jeb(!)’s comments in a later moment of relative calmness, however, I was struck by something – I agree with one of the statements he made!  I KNOW, RIGHT?  I’m all #FEELTHEBERN and #HILLARYROCKS and #OMALLEY…EXISTS but I agreed with a statement Jeb(!) Bush, of the Bushy McBushes, made.  Here it is:

“We have huge shortages of electricians, welders, plumbers, information technologists, teachers.” (implying, of course, that students should pursue these fields)

Jeb(!) is right!  There are millions of jobs opening up in the trades!  These jobs can be well-paying and are essential to the American economy and our everyday lives!  People should consider these jobs!

We also have a teacher shortage!  Teachers play an essential role in American life and the economy!  More people should be teachers!

SO WHY NOT JUST SAY THAT?*  THAT IS A GOOD THING!  JUST SAY THAT!  COME ON!

GOB COME ON

Why, Jeb(!) do you have to insult psychology majors (and, for that matter, philosophy and other liberal arts majors) to make that point?

Why, Jeb(!), do you have to insult the dignity of food service workers (he makes working at Chick-Fil-A sound like the worst possible fate a human being could have**) to make that point?

If you are trying to encourage young people to follow certain career paths, Jeb(!), why not just extoll the benefits of those paths instead of insulting others?  Why engage in negativity when positivity will get the same point across?

The answer to this for Jeb(!) personally is, I’m sure, complicated, and, ironically, would necessitate an in-depth examination of his psyche and how his upbringing in a rich, entitled family which has already produced two US Presidents affects his worldview.  But in general, I believe that Jeb(!) and other politicians engage in negativity politics because they believe it wins elections, and it’s become their default setting, even when trying to make a simple point encouraging young people to study the trades at a town hall.  Get that insult in, these politician’s aides constantly say to them in greenrooms and hotel suites and on tour buses, and people will start paying attention!  That’s what will get you the votes!

The good news for normal people is this hasn’t held true for the last two US presidential elections.  Say what you will about Obama, but he didn’t win in ’08 by denigrating college students and women and fast food workers – he won because his primary message was one of hope (again, whether or not you agree he has delivered on that is an entirely different post).  And in 2012, Romney guaranteed his loss the minute he called 47% of the country moochers.  The lesson? LOOKING DOWN ON REGULAR PEOPLE DOES NOT WIN NATIONAL ELECTIONS ANYMORE, GUYS!  WE HAVE TWITTER NOW!  WE WATCH JOHN OLIVER! WE WILL KNOW IF YOU SAY MEXICANS ARE RAPISTS, AND EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE LOTS OF RACISTS IN THE US THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH OF THEM TO KEEP YOU AT THE TOP OF THE POLLS!

I would love to see a day when politics (on both sides of the aisle, the GOP is not alone in this) leaves petty negativity entirely behind.  We’re not there yet, and who knows if we ever will be, but I do know that, after some blinding rage this morning, I’m feeling a little more mellow and sympathetic towards Jeb(!), who just doesn’t get that his politics of negativity is only going to bite him in the ass!  He’s so oblivious, it’s almost sad.

If only he’d taken a psychology course, you know? 😉

*To be fair, the reason he won’t say that is because he actually has no actual interest in helping anyone get any job through educational assistance and training in the trades or any other field.  He’s not been super great for education or teachers.  He mostly doesn’t care.

**Of course, no one, including Jeb(!), would feel like they could insult food service workers if they were paid a living minimum wage, but Jeb(!) would prefer to eliminate the federal minimum wage altogether, so…yeah.