Tag Archives: apples

April A-Z: Apples, A Definitive Ranking

I found out, a few days late, about this April blogging challenge called the A to Z challenge, where you do a blog post every day about whatever as long as you do it alphabetically by topic or title (thanks to TheLonelyTribalist for sharing the idea). So now I am doing it to up my spontaneous blogging skillz game, HA, and you have to read all these posts now, HAHAHAHA. So basically everyone wins. Or…loses.

As this is Day 1, we are dealing with the letter A. I therefore present a DEFINITIVE and IMMUTABLE ranking of APPLES for your perusal. You may certainly add your opinion of my list in the comments, but remember that whatever your differing opinion may be, you are WRONG and I am RIGHT because this is the INTERNET and that’s how it works.

Apples, Ranked

10. Crabapples: What the fuck are these, even? As a kid, adults would point out crabapples to me and be like, “That is a crabapple tree. I know I just said ‘apple,’ so you will try to eat them, but don’t because they are super bad for you and you will die.” I, of course, was like, “Well, if they are bad WHY DID YOU NAME IT A CRAB-APPLE tree when apples are delicious?” I never ate one, and now it turns out that they are NOT generally poisonous, but do taste gross and sour, so the takeaway here is adults are the worst and I knew it!

9. Fuji apples: I had one to eat once because I thought it was a Macintosh apple and it was waaaaay too sweet. Also it is from Japan, and when I think of Japan I get mad because I was supposed to go once for a work trip but it was canceled due to giant, tragic earthquakes. Fuck you, Fuji apples.

8. Apple muffins: A terrible idea. Almost every other fruit is better in a muffin than apples. I’d rather just eat a plain muffin, or an apple, but not an apple muffin with weird apple chunks in it. I’m not a monster.

7. Apple the Tech Company: Cons: giant evil corporation whose overpriced. products are manufactured by poor, suicidal workers in Asia. Pros: I love my MacBook Air and am a hypocrite, so…yeah.

6. Apple crisp: Apple crisp is just lazy apple pie. If you’re going to make an apple pie, don’t half-ass that shit and just dump some ice cream on it, GO ALL THE WAY AND MAKE A CRUST, or just buy one or something. Also, it has the word “crisp” in it and “crisp” is the second-worst word in the English language, right behind “moist.”

5. Apple Vacations Travel Agency: Got my family a good deal on a trip to Tulum, Mexico about five years ago. We were upgraded, too, because there was a Swine Flu outbreak and everyone else canceled. The resort was empty and the bartenders LOVED us. That may have been luck but, whatever, I’m giving a major travel agency credit for it.

4. Macintosh apples: Best and most delicious eating apple–suitably tart and sweet at the same time, also available for picking all over my home state of New Hampshire. Much better than that golden delicious crap, which is like apples for weaklings who can’t handle A LITTLE FLAVOR.

3. Apple pie: Unlike stupid muffins and crisps, apple pie is a real gorram apple dessert, with a crust and apples and everything. Also, don’t you dare put any whipped cream on that. That is for pumpkin pie. Get with it.

2. Apple-tini: Has alcohol in it. Is good. Much drunk. Very apple.

1. Apple cider: Clear winner of apple category. Hard or non-alcoholic, you can’t go wrong with a mug of delicious apple cider on a chilly fall day while wrapped in an alpaca sweater in front of your fireplace.

Oh, and an honorary mention goest to:

Starbucks Apple Latte*: A delicious blend of apples, coffee, cinnamon, and joy. A great way to spend six dollars every morning on your way to work. Will soon outpace the PSL as the go-to Fall drink, I guarantee it.

*PS: To my knowledge, there is no such thing as a Starbucks Apple Latte. I bet you thought there was, though. HAHAHA I GOT YOU**.

**PPS: Seriously, though, Starbucks, I want in on that now if you’re gonna do it. I better get a cut of that shit.