Category Archives: Fat

The Single Millennial’s 15-Step Guide to Surviving the Holidays

THAT’S RIGHT, KIDDOS! It’s the most wonderful time of the year – if you’re rich, have excellent will power when it comes to eating and drinking, and are happily coupled.  Otherwise, as I well know, it can be a tough time, so to help you deal I present to you the Single Millennial’s 15-Step Guide to Surviving the Holidays! READ WITH CARE.

Step 1: Put up all your holiday decorations, including your organically farmed hypoallergenic spruce fir, energy efficient LED lights, and flameless menorah, all while enjoying the holiday stylings of Michael Bublé on Google Play! Check your calendar for the month to make sure you have all of your holiday parties and events scheduled. Make a detailed diet plan for those days when you’re not attending a holiday event to make sure you stay healthy and energized – and avoid putting on those extra holiday pounds! Pledge only to have 1-2 drinks per holiday event so as to remain hangover-free throughout the season!

Step 2: Mug of soy cocoa in hand, sit down to make your holiday gift list, including all your dear friends, coworkers, and family members. Smile as you plan fun surprises for the people you love the most in your life and imagine their faces lighting up with joy when they open your beautifully wrapped, thoughtful presents! And wow, that Michael Bublé can SING, am I right?!

Step 3: Though you have already planned out all your holiday events and shopping, you receive a last-minute invite to drinks with some friends the night before the company Christmas party. You decide to go, but you’ll just have one glass of wine – that won’t mess up your schedule!

Step 4: Wake up the next morning with a massive hangover. You’re unsure how happy hour at the wine bar turned into karaoke at 3 am, but you know you have to rally for the company party that evening so you try to hold back the vomit. You promise yourself that you will not drink at the company party – last night was a fluke, and it won’t happen again.

Step 5: Ok, so you got completely wasted at the company holiday party and dirty danced with your boss while your coworkers took videos and posted them to Instagram – so what? Everyone else was smashed, to0! Besides, the rest of your holiday events this season are with family and close friends, so you won’t be drinking a lot. What’s one night of letting loose? Also, thank the lord that they didn’t play any Michael Bublé.

Step 6: Still hungover from the company party the night before and in your pajamas, you go on Facebook at 2 pm and see a twelve-paragraph rant from your Great Uncle Ronnie about how Fox News says there’s a war on Christmas going on, led by Muslim-In-Chief NOBAMA, Planned Parenthood, and Feminazis.  Feel your stomach heave with too many mocha martinis as you thank your lucky stars you haven’t seen Great Uncle Ronnie in seven years and will likely never have to talk to him in person again.

Step 7: Around 4 pm, you receive a call from your mother informing you that Great Uncle Ronnie will be attending Christmas dinner this year and you will need to purchase a present for him. Take a long shower and cry from the DTs and then go to the bodega. Buy and immediately consume a Family Size bag of Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream chips. Go to bed at 7 pm full of self-loathing.

Step 8: You wake up early feeling much better the next day, so you decide to go online to attack your Christmas shopping. Let’s see…maybe a sweater for Lucy, and Eric might like that new book by Ta-Nehisi Coates…

Step 9: …Jesus Christ, when did sweaters and books get so damned expensive? You haven’t seen Eric since Halloween, so he probably won’t get you anything, either, and he can just buy that book on Kindle Unlimited if he wants it, anyways. And Lucy, well, that girl comes from money and her boyfriend’s always buying her expensive shit, so there’s nothing you could get her that she doesn’t already have. You’ll just get cards for everyone at Walgreens, that will be fine, right? You don’t need to spend money to show your love for your friends!

Step 10: Oh, shit, you have to buy something for Uncle Ronnie. According to his Facebook page, all he really wants for Christmas is an AR-15. You briefly consider buying him a copy of Bad Feminist by Roxane Gay but decide you do, in fact, want to survive until 2016. You order him the latest Michael Bublé Christmas CD instead. Take that, asshole.

Step 11: Attend your annual friend group holiday gathering. Every other fucking person there has brought gifts for you, and all you have for them are these damned Walgreens cards. Also ERIC GOT YOU A SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLAR GIFT CERTIFICATE TO TARGET ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You slink to the corner, ashamed, and drink the equivalent of two bottles of wine by yourself as you realize that not only is everyone else more generous than you are, they are all also in long term relationships and you are the only single person at the party. Are you the only single person BECAUSE you’re not generous? Is that why? Also, why is the host playing Michael Bublé music? Why are you alone? WHYYYYY AM I-

Step 12: Wake up feeling awful. Realize that after you blacked out the night before, Eric and Lucy had to pour you into an Uber during surge pricing and drag you up three flights of stairs to your apartment to put you to bed. Oops. If nothing else, you now owe them each a major apology gift. Get on the scale and decide that since you’re already fucked, weight-wise, you might as well go all-in. You order an entire large pizza and eat it alone while watching While You Were Sleeping on TV with commercials, even though you have the DVD on your shelf (you’re just too lazy get it and put it in). Fall asleep at 2 am with your head on the pizza box after watching your thirtieth commercial for the upcoming Michael Bublé Christmas special.

Step 13: Travel home for the holidays. Somehow, end up in the middle seat  on your six hour flight. Because of “high winds” your plane needs to land in Vegas for 30 minutes to refuel. Thirty minutes becomes ninety and you order three of those little bottles of wine to keep yourself sane as the two giant men on either side of you jab their elbows into your ribs and fart copiously.

Step 14: Arrive home and watch your parents bite their tongues to avoid commenting on your disheveled and bloated appearance. Go to your childhood bedroom and pass out for ten hours because, damn it, you’ve earned it, and you need to steel yourself for Christmas dinner with Uncle Ronnie, who’s told your mother via text several times that he’s really concerned that you haven’t found a man to take care of you yet and that it’s all Feminism’s fault.

Step 15: On Christmas morning, your mother lets you know that Uncle Ronnie is at home with gout and will not be attending Christmas dinner after all! Beam as you sit down with your family for the meal, and tear up as you realize that, hey, maybe there is a God, after all! Huzzah! Joy to the World, bitches!

Finally, after dinner, your mom tells you she’d like the whole family to join her in the family room to watch the Michael Bublé special, which she recorded on DVR.

WHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYASYD;LAJS;GAKS?

In the name of Bublé, I wish you a happy holiday season.

 

 

Ten Things the “Dear Fat People” Vlogger Could Do Instead of Recording Boring, Hateful Videos

So, I finally broke down and watched the viral “Dear Fat People” video (not going to link, if you want to watch it you can find it easily), and, honestly, there’s nothing new to be said about it that hasn’t already been eloquently expressed by a gazillion other people, notably Lindy West at the Guardian and Whitney Thore on YouTube.  All I’ll share in terms of direct commentary on the video is my facial expression while watching it.  Enjoy:

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You’ll note that while I look disgusted, I am also bored.  If this girl wanted to truly shock anyone with fat-shaming, she could have at least been more original about it.  Like, I don’t know, she could have straight up beat a fat person on camera, maybe?  Oh, God, wait, I shouldn’t give her any ideas…if you’re reading this, hate vlogger person, THAT WAS A JOKE!  DON’T DO IT; IT IS A FELONY TO BEAT PEOPLE!

So instead of providing further commentary on the video itself, I present to you, dear readers, my list of Ten Things the “Dear Fat People” Vlogger Could Do Instead of Recording Boring, Hateful Videos:

10. Take a comedy class: This person is allegedly a “comedian,” though nothing I’ve seen from her shows that she is, or has ever been, remotely funny.  Her Google Info thingy says she is from Hamilton, Ontario, and a quick search finds that there is a nearby establishment, The Making Box, that provides FREE Improv Classes!  She should sign up!  Maybe they’ll help her discover some sort of comedic voice, eventually?

9. Donate to a Food Bank: It’s been proven that poverty and obesity are linked – when people don’t have access to fresh, healthy food, they eat whatever is cheapest and available, like fast food or junk food.  So if you’re really concerned about obesity, here’s a list (again, quick Google search) of Food Banks in the Hamilton area that she could donate to instead of making dumb videos!

8. Take a nap: This girl seems very grumpy about the existence of fat people.  Maybe she should take a nap?  I always feel better after a nap!  Naps are the best!

7. Do her job: As a result of this video, this person was allegedly fired from a legitimate showbiz job.  If she’d just done her job instead of recording this video, she would not have been fired!  What a concept, getting paid for doing real things!  (Ironically, the job was on an anti-bullying video/film).

6. Read a book: Books are great!  I wrote one, and I’m trying to get it published!  Since she can’t read my book (yet, fingers crossed), I have several recommendations:

Station Eleven (by Emily St. John Mandel): Post apocalypse, a troupe of musicians and actors travel the Great Lakes region performing Shakespeare and classical music for the survivors of a plague that has wiped out more than 99% of the world’s population.  Finished it this weekend, it was great!

Bossypants (by Tina Fey): An actual funny book written by an actual funny comedienne!  She could learn from this.

Any one of these 10 children’s books about kindness (Various Authors): The reading level (grades K-4) is probably her speed, and she could definitely stand to learn a thing or two about kindness!

5. Drink a margarita: Similar to #13, if I’m feeling stressed or grumpy or otherwise inclined towards being cruel to my fellow humans, a margarita instantly improves my mood!  You can get them at almost any bar, they’re wonderful!

4. Volunteer at a low income school: If she can’t find one in Canada, we have plenty here in the United States.  If she’s so concerned about obesity, children in low-income neighborhoods with limited resources at schools are generally less active and receive less education about health in general.  Volunteer an hour or two a week to give a local teacher some help so he or she can better help her students learn how to take care of their bodies and minds.

3. Have a cup of coffee: Maybe she made a boring, hateful video because she was off after having missed her daily cappuccino?  I prefer iced coffee and Starbucks Iced Chai Tea Lattes myself, but since she’s so concerned about calories she will probably just have hers black.  Either way, the caffeine should perk her right up and make her less likely to spew vitriol on the internet and focus her energies on more productive pursuits.

2. Donate to the American Heart Association (or similar organizations): This person seemed very concerned in the video about people dying of heart disease, so if she’s that worried she could donate money or time to one of the many reputable charities and organizations that are searching for a cure to this condition, which affects people of all sizes and weights!

1. Literally anything else: Do 100 jumping-jacks.  Watch You’ve Got Mail for the hundredth time and cry at the end when Meg Ryan discovers her correspondence-love was Tom Hanks all along (spoiler alert).  Go for a walk.  Eat a piece of pizza.  Take a dip in a pool.  Binge-watch all five live-action Star Trek TV series on Netflix (well, maybe not Enterprise, that one was kind of a dud).  Smell a flower.  Do literally anything else other than spew hate towards a group of people who have most likely experienced more emotional pain yesterday than you, as a thin, blonde, conventionally attractive woman, have experienced in the last ten years.

I highly doubt that this Vlogger will read this, but in case she does, feel free to add your own suggestions for things she could do instead of spewing hate in the comments!  I’m sure I missed a few!

I want the confidence to wear this outfit again

I’m visiting the folks and the dying dog in New Hampshire and found some old photo albums and had no choice but to share this picture:

What are those pants even?
What are those pants even?

I believe this was taken when I was about six or seven years old.  I’m seated in between my little brother, Bryan, and my younger cousin, who was always ten times better behaved than either of the two of us and who I probably resumed torturing the moment after this photo was taken (sorry, cuz).

Look at how happy I am!  Despite being mostly toothless, clad in the ugliest overalls of all time, and sporting some truly awful bangs, my younger self is OVERJOYED to be in this photo.  You can see the confidence oozing from every one of my pores that isn’t covered with your grandmother’s wallpaper in pants form.

Nowadays, however, I HATE being photographed.  I avoid it whenever possible.  And even when there are no cameras in sight, I am constantly worried about my appearance.  Do I look fat?  Are my boobs hanging out?  Do I look too slutty, too conservative, too tired, haggard, old?  Most of my clothes are purchased with the intent to flatter my body and make it look as small and unassuming as possible – black pants or leggings with a neutral top is my uniform, and I stick to it without fail.

A little over a year ago, I joined a weight loss program and lost about 45 pounds from my highest weight ever.  I had to throw out a bunch of my clothes and get smaller ones, and people who saw me over this time period commented all the time on how much weight I’d lost.  Now, our culture teaches us that when we lose weight we’re supposed to be happier, lighter, and sexier.  You’ll want to wear bathing suits and tight jeans and men will fall at your feet and Jonathan from the Property Brothers will show up at your apartment with a ring AND a construction crew to retile your bathroom.  Most of all, though, you’ll be more confident.  Thinner = confident…er (not a word, yeah I know I want to be a writer WHAT OF IT?).

One year and forty-five pounds later, my confidence in my body has gone up approximately zero percent.  Today I was out shopping, and I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror as I was walking through Macy’s and I literally turned my head away from the mirror in disgust and made a grunting cavewoman sound.  My mother was with me and asked me what was wrong.  “I just saw myself in the mirror, that’s all,” I replied.  Used to this insanity, she sighed and we continued on to the shoe section.  But seriously, though, how screwed up is that?  How screwed up is it that so many women, of all sizes, engage in this self-hating behavior on a daily and hourly basis?

So what’s the answer?  I still want to lose more weight, mostly because my huge boobs hurt my back and shoulders, but I know now that I can’t derive confidence from the number on the scale or the tag in my jeans.  So if weight loss, the goal I’ve been chasing for years, can’t do it for me, what will?  How can I be this happy with myself again?  How do I get this little girl’s confidence back?

This picture was appropriately taken at a circus; still no teeth.
This picture was appropriately taken at a circus; still no teeth.

When I figure out the answer, I’ll let you know.