Category Archives: Blogging

ughhhhhhhh foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrr f*** everything: venting and then doing some real s***

This post is gonna be bad and sort of stream-of-consciousness venting but it ends okay so hang in there!

Here it is:

Ugh forever. Fuck everything.

I was fired up on Wednesday but now ughhhhhhh.

Look, there have been a gazillion pieces on how even if someone voted for Trump for “non-racist” reasons, they still voted for racism. If you don’t buy it after folks like Scalzi break it all down for you in the easiest-to-understand terms, you’re not going to buy it from me, so I’m not going to write another one here.

There have also been a gazillion pieces written on the Electoral College (google it). I fucking hate the Electoral College, since it basically means my California vote is worth less than, say, a Wyoming vote because something something rural Real America(TM) slave state history blah blah blah. So I’m not gonna write one here, either.

Don’t even get me started on the gazillion pieces about how the left needs to understand Trump voters more because blah blah blah. I get it; many of them are losing traditional jobs that aren’t coming back because #robots and they’re mad, but many of them are also assholes who hate that they had to see a black dude on TV for 8 years and sure as fuck weren’t gonna look at an old lady for that long even if she’s white. You can guess where I come down on that argument so I’m not gonna write my own take here either.

So here’s what I have to say: ughhhhhhhh foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrr fuck everything. The next four years are going to be apocalyptic. I’m especially excited for the inevitable Pence presidency, because, let’s get real, our Cheeto-Elect is not gonna last more than a year, tops. He’s never had to do any actual work in his life, and he’s just now realizing that the Presidency involves reading and sitting still and receiving criticism and not staying in Trump Tower among his gold-plated accessories unless he ventures out to grab him some fresh pussy. He’s going to resign, and if not he will be impeached, because the GOP would vastly prefer working with Pence (ugh) and, let’s face it, Mr. Cheeto has already committed about a zillion impeachable offenses and will accumulate more in his first five days in office than Nixon managed in five years. Pence hates gay people and women especially and is going to do his fucking utmost to take away our rights, so that’s gonna be GREAT.

And then there’s the worst part: the violence and harassment against minorities. This violence has existed for centuries, duh, but now it’s been validated in the mainstream by the dude who’s gonna be president. People are fucking scared. Hundreds of incidents a day have been reported since Nov. 8: women randomly getting grabbed walking down the street, Muslim women having their hijabs ripped off, black people called n****** who should “go back to Africa” (because it’s not like our white ancestors dragged their black ancestors from Africa against their will in chains, but okay, sure), anyone who looks vaguely Hispanic threatened with deportation (not that anyone should be threatened with deportation, but I’m almost tickled by racists who can’t tell the difference between someone of Asian descent or Mexican descent).

Also the environment is over and maybe there will be a nuclear war and Marie Le Pen will be elected and I can’t shop at Macy’s anymore and I’m a privileged-yet-depressed white bitch and I hate myself.

Ughhhhhhhh foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrr fuck everything.

Ughhhhhhhh foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrr fuck everything.

Ughhhhhhhh foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrr fuck everything. Also something about safety pins?

Okay. Thanks for listening. Now let’s do some shit.

Planned Parenthood Donation Link

ACLU Donation Link

Southern Poverty Law Center Donation Link

I told you the post would end okay!!

 

 

 

Jackie’s 17 Steps for Drafting Your Young Adult Novel

I’M BAAAAACK! MISS ME, BITCHES?

It’s been a nutty couple of months. I’ve been doing job searching while also finishing a draft of a Young Adult novel (aka YA for the uninitiated). It may or may not ever see the light of day (aka the shelves of a bookstore), but I’m pretty proud of having finished it. So proud, in fact, that I thought I’d share the wisdom I gained throughout the writing process for all my 17 blog readers. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Step 1: Come up with an original, never-before-imagined idea for your book. HAHAHAHAHA LOL J/K THERE’S NOTHING NEW UNDER THE DYSTOPIAN CHILD-KILLING-GAMES-MY BOYFRIEND-IS-A-VAMPIRE SUN; pick your poison, put your twist on it, and move on.

Step 2: Draft a detailed outline of your book, including key plot developments, character introductions, and emotional arcs. This one is easy: open a word doc and begin with Chapter 1. Then, halfway through outlining Chapter 1, give up and just begin to wing it because who has time for this shit?

screen-shot-2016-09-13-at-9-01-14-am

Step 3: Write about 5,000 words of your book and feel pretty good about it. You know what? This isn’t half-bad! Teens would like this, right? RIGHT?

Step 4: Re-read your first 5,000 words and realize they are TERRIBLE. Oh my God, my dog could have written this. Why am I even trying? WHY AM I EVEN ALIVE?

Step 5: Cry

Step 6: Remember the E.L. James is a published author of poorly-written plagiarized fan-fiction and get your shit together. YOU CAN DO THIS, YOU WILL DO THIS!

Step 7: Get to 25,000 words and feel pretty good about it. You like your protagonist, and you hate your villain. There’s real conflict here, and some humor. You’re a good writer, you really are!

Step 8: Re-read the 25,000 words and remember that you are the worst writer to ever walk the Earth and also a terrible human being. OH GOD WHY DID I DO THIS? I’m a worthless hack. I’m going to go eat everything now.

Step 9: Cry while curled up into a ball on your bed and devouring a bag of pretzel twists dipped in an ENTIRE TUB of cream cheese while re-watching Star Trek: Voyager on Netflix. To be fair, this is my coping mechanism for all my setbacks in life, not just writing-related fails.

Step 10: Remember that if she could see you now, Captain Janeway* would tell you buck the fuck up, guzzle some black coffee, and get back to work, Ensign! I’m sorry, Kathryn, I was weak. I WILL KEEP WRITING RIGHT AFTER I STOP THAT WARP CORE BREACH AND PREVENT THE BORG FROM ASSIMILATING THE SHIP, CAPTAIN!

janeway-borg-meme

Step 11: Read a really good book by an excellent author and come to peace with the fact that you will never be that good but at least you can write grammar real good; and know how to do punctuation and stuff and things.

Step 12: Damn it.

Step 13: Finish your draft! Wow, what an accomplishment! Even if no one reads this, you’ve written a fucking book–how many people can say that?

Step 14: Go on Twitter and realize everyone and their mother has written a YA book just like yours. Fuck.

Step 15: Edit your manuscript which primarily deals with the lives of teens and realize that you have no idea about the lives of teens. I think I made a reference to desktop computers in there…do kids even use computers these days? Or do they operate their smartphones via chips embedded in their brains that allow them to send Snapchats with the firing of a single neuron? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND OUT ABOUT THIS? I guess I could ask an actual teen, but…ew, amirite?

Step 16: Shake your fist at the sky and curse the day that the first members of Generation C were born. Little bastards expecting their lives to be accurately depicted in literature–don’t they know that you are OLD AF RN?

Step 17: Remember that Generation C will soon supplant your Millennial Generation as the most hated of all time. Steeple your fingers while laughing maniacally at their forthcoming generational pain. NOW GO BUY MY BOOK, KIDDOS!

THE END

*I apologize for the obligatory Star Trek reference as I know certain people (ahem, L**) think all I do is talk about “Star Trek, Star Trek, Star Trek,” but I’ve basically just embraced being a ridiculous obsessed nerd so…yeah, get over it. 

**J/K, L, you know I love you.

 

5 Random Star Trek Characters Who Would Make Better Presidents than Donald Trump

I haven’t posted in a while, and I love Star Trek as usual, so here are five random characters from the franchise who would make better presidents than Donald Trump.

*Mild SPOILER ALERT for plot elements of DS9, Voyager, TNG.*

5. Any Redshirt

Screen Shot 2016-08-13 at 3.05.39 PM

Series: Star Trek, The Original Series

About: A redshirt was a random crewman in a (duh) red shirt who beamed down to a planet just to die immediately, usually beginning an investigation by Kirk, Spock, and McCoy into a new alien threat or phenomenon.

Why a better president than Trump? Unlike Trump, Redshirts actually sacrificed something for their people/crew. Granted, they weren’t super bright–you’d think eventually they’d ask if some of those blue-shirted mofos could go on an away mission for once instead of them–but at least they actually did their jobs and shit. And probably paid taxes on their Starfleet salaries.

What they would say about/to Trump: “I can’t believe that guy would insult the family of a fallen sold–OH GOD, WHAT IS THAT THING? IT’S COMING FOR ME, CAPTAIN, PLEASE–” *dies*

4. Lon Suder

Screen Shot 2016-08-13 at 3.11.05 PM

Series: Star Trek: Voyager

About: Lon Suder is a violent sociopath who murders a fellow crewman in Season 2 because he “didn’t like the way he looked at him.” With the help of Tuvok (aka Black Spock), he regains some measure of control over his violent impulses to try to repay his debt to the crew. But he still likes killing people and never really stops liking it, up until his own demise.

Why a better president than Trump? Unlike Trump, he actually tries to not be a sociopath and ultimately works with the Doctor to take back Voyager from the Kazon (aka Lame Klingons with Weed Hair) while the rest of the crew is marooned on some random planet. He gives his life to save them. So, once again, actual heroic sacrifice. From a SOCIOPATH. 

What they would say about/to Trump: “He said what about Mexicans? Look, I know I killed a guy in cold blood for no reason, but I’m no racist. Excuse me, I have to go die now in order to complete my redemption arc, nice talking to you!”

3. The Borg Collective

Screen Shot 2016-08-13 at 3.21.15 PM

Series: Star Trek: The Next Generation; Star Trek: Voyager; Star Trek: First Contact (film)

About: The Borg collective is a cybernetically-enhanced species that assimilates and consumes all technology and civilizations it encounters with the goal of galactic domination and “perfection.” They operate as a collective consciousness and purge the individuality of all people they assimilate. They’re like evil space zombie-locusts and are terrifying.

Why a better president than Trump? Despite being pure fucking evil, at least the Borg are efficient, organized, and have a plan. They have a solid anti-discrimination policy and are willing to absorb all cultures regardless of stereotypes. Also, they have transwarp drive capacity, which would definitely be a boon to the US economy!

What they would say about/to Trump: “We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. Your biological and technological distinctiveness will be added to our–oh, wait? It’s you again, isn’t it? The Trump human? You know what, I think we’re good on biological and technological distinctiveness for right now. We’ll just be on our way to fight Janeway again. Sorry to bother you.”

2. The Wormhole Aliens

Screen Shot 2016-08-13 at 3.32.14 PM

Series: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

About: The Wormhole Aliens, aka the Prophets, are beings who live outside of time in a stable wormhole that connects the Alpha and Gamma Quadrants of the galaxy (a 70K light year distance). Deep Space Nine basically guards its entrance in the Alpha Quadrant. The aliens are also seen as the gods of Bajor, a nearby planet where people have weird noses and wear one earring. There’s also some space Jesus stuff going on, but I don’t want to spoil the arc of the show.

Why a better president than Trump? While Trump does seem to think he is God, these beings are actually gods, so BOO-YAH. Also, they built a passage that makes it possible for humans to make a 70-year journey in, like, ten seconds, so they could really attack the problem of our crumbling infrastructure head-on.

What they would say about/to Trump: “Where is the Sisko? Who are you? Why do you exist here?” *Listens to Trump ramble for five minutes incoherently* “We thought we were incomprehensible and cryptic, but we have nothing on you. The Trump is aggressive. The Trump is a moron. We must destroy the Trump.” *Uses wormhole energy to completely evaporate Trump as if he is a Dominion warship*

1. Porthos the Dog

Screen Shot 2016-08-13 at 3.45.04 PM

Series: Star Trek: Enterprise

About: Porthos is a Beagle that belongs to Captain Archer, who is (sorry, Scott Bakula) objectively the lamest Captain. He goes on the Enterprise with Archer and a couple times almost dies. His almost-death is a plot point of some significance in one particular episode. There is a reason Enterprise was canceled after only four seasons.

Why a better president than Trump? He’s a pretty cute, nice dog. Likes everyone. Does well in new situations. Good listener. Not the color of a Cheeto.

What they would say about/to Trump: *Is transported down to Earth, takes a huge dump on Trump’s shoes, is transported back to the Enterprise immediately*

 

 

 

#Goals, Accountability, and Shirley Temples

I’m back in San Francisco, and, after actually cleaning my apartment for the first time since I broke my foot two months ago, I am embarking on a personal spring cleaning exercise – TO CLEAN MY SOUL. Okay, so not my soul, per se, because I think that requires you to pay an indulgence to the Catholic Church. Or can you no longer do that because of the Reformation? What about Buddhism, can I pay money to cleanse my soul in Buddhism? Any other religions I should offend in this intro? No, all religions hate me already? Okay, cool, moving on.

In all seriousness, aside from the A-Z challenge, I got behind on some of my personal goals while I was laid up, so I’m putting them down here to keep me accountable. Congratulations, you are all now my life coaches. The position is unpaid and provides no benefits, but you do get my undying gratitude and occasional pictures of my manicures on Instagram:

Goal #1: Writing 

I’ve been working on a YA project for a while, but keep getting distracted. My goal is to now write minimum 2000 words a day on that project through the month of May. I’ll maybe get a word count widget going on this blog to keep myself ULTRA accountable. Yay!

Goal #2: Fitness

Before I hurt myself, I wanted to run a 5K this year. This is still my goal. I can’t officially start trying to run until this weekend, but I am going to walk minimum 10,000 steps per day until then and then start “training” (also known as jogging for a couple minutes each day until I can then jog for, like, 5 minutes without dying, and going from there). I CAN DO THIS! (Right? Can I?)

Goal #3: Career

June 1st is the anniversary of my leaving the Goog, and by this Fall I’m probably going to look into getting a full-time gig again as I continue to work on writing, because I like money 🙂 Seriously, though, I want to take one action a week to investigate what job(s) I might like to do full time come Fall. This week, I’m talking to a recruiter at a cool company on Thursday, so we’ll see how it goes!

Goal #4: Mental Health

I didn’t feel my best mentally this past week, partially because I got REALLY drunk on Saturday and it’s affected me for the past two days because clinical depression + wine = depressive episode. I’m in my thirties now, damn it, and I need to take better care of my brain. I talked to my therapist, and I’m going to engage of minimum 5 minutes of mindfulness meditation per day and also watch my social drinking. The drinking thing is especially annoying, because I really only drink socially once or twice a week, but when I do go out with friends I lose track of what I’m drinking quickly and then I’m screwed (this, to be clear, is my own fault, not my friends’!). Also, our overall culture has a super sick relationship with alcohol, THANKS SOCIETY. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ So I’m only going to have 2 drinks max when I go out, and if that means I have to drink a shit ton of shirley temples at the fancy restaurant then THAT’S WHAT I’M GONNA DO!

Okay, I have SHARED MY GOALS AND NOW YOU BETTER MAKE ME MEET THEM, INTERNET OR I WILL SEND THE BEYHIVE AFTER YOU AND YOUR GOOD HAIR!

If anyone has any personal goals to share in the comments, please do! I would love to return the favor with some encouragement and accountability 🙂

5 lessons from the A-Z Challenge

The April A-Z Challenge is over, and I completed it! Yay! Yeah, I started late and ended on the first day of May, but overall, I’m pretty proud of myself. Wait brb.

Okay, back now, and, WOAH! So, I just did that thing that Obama did once where a fly flew at me and I def caught it in my hand and smushed it SO I AM A SUPERHERO! I am feeling pretty good about myself at this moment! I mean, I’m basically Obama now, right?

Ahem. Anyways, as I wrote this weekend, I wanted to share my (beware corporate speak) KEY TAKEAWAYS from the experience for my fellow bloggers out there to compare and contrast. These “lessons” are very personal to me, and are in no way meant to tell anyone else how to blog, but in case others are interested I thought I’d put ’em down on virtual paper because I always like reading about others’ blogging and writing processes.

Lesson 1: I’m a planner: In the past, I’ve always had a vague goal of blogging a few times a week. Sometimes I’d accomplish this, and other weeks I’d fail, usually due to procrastination or pure laziness. During this challenge, however, I made a planned commitment to blog pretty much every day for a month, and I set aside a time to do it–around 9 pm every night for the following day’s post. And, guess what? It worked! With the exception of this past Saturday, which was supposed to be Z but got pushed back due to my being in NOLA for JazzFest and then getting a killer cold virus, I didn’t miss a day, and I finished the challenge. So, moving forward, I’m going to commit to posting minimum 2x per week, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, with my planned blog writing time being Monday and Wednesday evenings. Huzzah for planning!

Lesson 2: Less is sometimes more: I felt better about (and got more views on) many of my shorter posts over the course of the challenge–especially humor posts. I’m going to try to keep my posts under 800 words, unless I feel like I need to go in depth on a topic. I can be a rambler in my writing, and since I don’t really edit my blog posts I need to just cut myself off. Lol not every thought I have is gold!

Lesson 3: Personal stories always connect: I love writing humor on my blog, and a lot of readers like it, too, but the post over the course of the month with the most views was the most “serious” one, F is for Fatass. It was hard to write, but it was worth it. I’m not saying my blog is going to become The Sad Sob Stories of Jackie–sometimes I need to write about boobs whether y’all want to read it or not–but issues I deal with like mental illness and body confidence connect with my readers, and are important for me to share, so I will continue to share them.

Lesson 4: Ask and you shall receive: Bloggers are always saying, “If you want people to comment, ask them to do so!” For the longest time I didn’t, but now I do and the frequency with which people comment has increased a ton. YOU WERE RIGHT, OTHER BLOGGERS, OKAY?

Lesson 5: Fun and engagement are the goal: Throughout the challenge, there were several times I started posts and deleted before publishing because I didn’t have fun writing them, or didn’t feel engaged while writing. I’m glad that I did this, because if I don’t like writing a 500 word post at all, or am not interested in it, then why the fuck would you want to read it? For instance, I’m liking writing this blog advice shizzle right now because I think it is useful and sort of funny, so I’m gonna keep typing away. If a topic doesn’t engage me, I won’t force it. It’s not like I’m gettin’ paid for this, so I’m NINE YEARS OLD I DO WHAT I WANT, ya know? So, have fun out there!

 

Anyone else participate in the challenge? What were your takeaways? Did you have fun? I had a blast 🙂 Lmk what you think in the comments! ❤

I wrote a thing and it was published on the interwebz :)

Hey guys, I wrote a humor thing on The Establishment (no, not the political establishment, but a women’s website lol – one person already made that mistake.

Please, please, please head over there and check it out! And if you’re not reading The Establishment, please start because it is GREAT! I hope you like it 🙂

Also, any woman freelancers out there, The Establishment is GREAT! I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THAT YOU PITCH THEM!

Enjoy!

http://www.theestablishment.co/2016/05/03/8-jareds-to-avoid-dating-in-2016/

ZZZs and Zaps (A-Z Challenge)

This is it! The last post of the April (now May, I started late) A to Z Blogging Challenge! I’m here in New Orleans still, leaving tonight to head back to San Francisco, and it’s been an interesting couple of days.

On Saturday, our group went on a FANTASTIC walking tour of the Garden District in NOLA, where all the huge mansions are, including the one from American Horror Story: Coven AND Anne Rice’s old house!

wp-1462161432072.jpg
Who’s the baddest witch in town?
wp-1462161480317.jpg
Do you see a vampire? I hope there’s a vampire!

Then we got brunch (see below to gain five pounds by looking at a photo):

wp-1462161502133.jpg

And then it started POURING. And thundering and lightning. And JazzFest flooded and shut down (no Stevie Wonder :() because lightning was zapping the stages and equipment and stuff, and then I realized I was ill from too much rich food and also had come down with a cold complete with sinus congestion, sneezing, coughing and fatigue. Soooo, I spent all of Saturday afternoon and evening napping, and after another INSANE brunch today, followed by more lightning and downpours and thunder, napped some more. So, basically, I’ve done a lot more sleeping (zzzzs!) and listening to lightning zapping (SEE WHAT I DID THERE? THIS IS THE Z CHALLENGE AND I’M RECOVERING FROM NYQUIL AND I AM REACHING HERE, PEOPLE) than tourism the past 48 hours. But you know what? It’s okay, because at least I can say I’ve seen the real NOLA weather, which is apparently out of control without the least provocation. Or maybe I offended some voodoo practitioner on my first day here, and he or she punished me with the rain and the cold virus. Or maybe I am rambling because YAAAAAWN this Nyquil is good stuff, y’all.

In any case, despite illness and rain, I’m really glad I came down to the Big Easy, and while the bons temps didn’t rouler so much in the last day or so, I have some good memories (and probably a good extra 3-5 pounds) to remember the trip by. See ya, New Orleans–I will be back!

As for the challenge, now that it’s finished I’ll be trying to stick to a regular blogging schedule of 2-3 times per week, starting with a recap of what I’ve learned from this experience. Thanks again for sticking through it! ❤

Voyage, Bon! (A-Z Challenge)

Laissez les bons temps rouler! Today, I am off on a voyage (usually I would say “trip,” but T was a couple days ago on the blogging challenge) to New Orleans for JazzFest. This is my first music festival in years; the last one I went to was Outside Lands in San Francisco when I first moved back there, oh, FIVE years ago.

I am much older and (maybe?) wiser this time, so I have some travel goals this time, and I’m putting them on the blog to keep myself accountable:

  • Don’t die: NOLA is booze and party central, and I am in my thirties, so staying alive might be a real challenge. I am going to try to limit my alcohol consumption to two drinks per day. LOL we’ll see how that goes. Also I will drink water.
  • See Stevie Wonder: OMG SO EXCITED. Also, the way 2016 is going, I think we all need to see as many musical legends in concert ASAP as they’re all dropping like flies.
  • Eat beignets: Never had one; time to change that. (I know, I am a noob, etc.)
  • Don’t get burned to a crisp: I am beyond ever trying to be tan again (not that I ever had that as a goal) and am owning being the palest bitch alive since Elizabeth I. I got my Neutrogena sheer sunscreen and a hippie dippie coverup for long festival days and I will NOT BE BURNED.
  • See a ghost: Okay, so this one might be hard, BUT I REALLY WANT TO SEE A GHOST AND I HEAR THERE ARE GHOSTS IN NEW ORLEANS! Especially since I am currently writing a novel with ghosts. If I don’t see a ghost, I at least want to see an Original Vampire. Preferably this one:
    marcel
    Marcel, you beautiful son of a bitch, I love you. Also, Originals fans, I *know* he’s not technically an original, just a normal vampire. Get over it!

     

  • Not break my foot again: I am in normal shoes now, but the foot is still a little sore, so I will just have to walk slowly and not trip over cobblestones and shit (the not drinking too much should help with this, too). Sorry in advance, T and other girls on the trip, for being a slowpoke!
  • Finish the A-Z Challenge! I’m so close, guys! Many thanks to putting up with some of my less, er, inspired posts over the last twenty days or so. I’ve actually learned a lot during the challenge about blogging–what content works, what doesn’t, how to hone my humor, how to balance serious with comical topics, how to make sure you all know I’m an extreme nerd, etc. My posts may be shorter for letters W-Z, but I’m sure you all won’t mind too much.
  • Sweat more than any human has ever sweated before in the history of the world: I don’t think this one will be hard.

 

À bientôt, bloggy bitches!

-Jackie

Seriously, if you have any suggestions on what to do in New Orleans (never been!), please leave them in the comments 🙂

 

Uteri (Uteruses? No, uteri): A guide for beginners (A-Z Challenge)

Guys,

I’m a BIG fan of uteri. I spent nine months in one, as did nearly all of us (no judgment to those of you who were grown in a Borg maturation chamber; I do NOT discriminate–some of my best friends are cybernetic life forms!). I’m even usually okay with my own uterus, with the exception of about six days each month. But uteri are complicated. They do a lot of shit, and if you’re a man, or even a young girl, you probably don’t understand the workings an implications of uteri in general, or in having one in particular. As a uterus-haver for over three decades now, I thought I’d share my wisdom. Prepare to be enlightened.

How it works: Despite hundreds of years of Science(TM), the uterus remains an icky mystery that no one should learn about in school, ever. Allow me to provide some clarity:

The uterus is an internal organ that is attached to a woman’s (EW!) vagina by a Service; I’m not sure what kind of Service, like if it’s an app like Uber or what, but that’s how they’re connected. *SCIENCE SHRUG* Until puberty, the uterus is filled with a divine pure light, which dissipates the moment a young girl has her first period and becomes a disgustingly tempting sexual being who’d better keep her legs SHUT. Every month, a tiny baby is released from the ovary, which is like a baby dispensary, and floats down a straw into the uterus, which is nice and comfy for it with a bed and an open bar and a designer wardrobe and everything. Sadly, this baby is soulless until and unless a sperm comes in through the vagina (EW!) and the Service and makes it alive. If this happens, the baby is now the Unborn(TM) and is the most precious form of life you will ever see, at least until it is born, after which time it is ON ITS FUCKING OWN. If there is no sperm, however, the baby is just flushed out through the Service and vagina with some blood (EW!) until a new baby comes down the straw the next month; this is called a Period, or, if you’re polite, “Aunt Flo’s visit, *wink*!” Periods happen until a woman hits menopause, which is when her baby dispensary ovaries are out of babies, and the woman becomes a useless shell and must leave public life and hide her unsightly, wrinkled body from the light of day and the eyes of men and fertile women.

How to care for it: Ladies: except for this blog post, it’s best to not think at all about caring your uterus, because thinking is hard and we’d rather you just go make some babies, thanks! If you’re a man, you’re the one who should be doing the thinking about uteruses for women, because, you know, reasons, but not TOO much thinking, because it’s gross.

So, gentlemen, here are the things you should know about caring for uteruses in some detail but no too much detail because EWWWWWW (Ladies, go bake something or scrub a dish, okay?):

-Women may complain of cramps when they get their periods (that’s the thing where the baby is flushed out through the Service, remember?), but they are lying and it’s all in their heads. Make sure you dismiss any complaints of discomfort, excessive bleeding or pain, dizziness, depression or other symptoms with verbal disparagement, or, if you’re pressed for time, an elegant eyeroll. How else are you going to get us to stop whining about made-up shit? Of course, even though we women are making up these symptoms, we are always bitchy and emotional on our periods, so you should make sure you take that into account when deciding whether or not we get that new corner office or pay raise!

-Uteruses are magic–they always work perfectly, especially during pregnancy, so women definitely don’t need accessible, affordable healthcare to stay healthy before, during, or after gestation, and any time off from work is just laughable! You may hear some rumors that uteruses sometimes “miscarry,” which is a fancy term for murdering the Unborn(TM) because the uterus-haver (aka “mother”) offended her god or didn’t cover her mouth when she coughed or looked at a fish or something. This does happen, and when it does you should make sure to shame the uterus-haver for not having seen this coming or made better choices or prayed harder! Uteruses also never allow babies of rape to be conceived, so don’t worry–if your teenage daughter comes to you sobbing saying her teacher forced himself on her and now she’s pregnant, you know that she was ACTUALLY asking for it, because if it was REALLY rape her body would have shut that whole thing down.

-Women cannot make decisions about their own uteruses, guys. We just can’t be trusted to figure this stuff out, so please, make sure you pass laws at every opportunity limiting our access to services that could help us make decisions about our uteruses, from pregnancy to birth control options, while also cutting benefits for families and children who are disadvantaged. Really, it’s all you can do to prevent us from running amok and just uterus-ing all over the place with our period blood (EW!) and independent thoughts! Thanks 🙂

What it all means: Okay, ladies, you can come back out of the kitchen and join us again! Here’s the crux of it–a uterus is the most important thing a woman can have, with the possible exception of BOOBS (TEEHEE!). The uterus is the core of a woman’s being, and if you don’t use it to procreate, well, you best not be having any sort of sex (TEEHEE!) because sex is only so that the sperm can come through the Service and give souls to the Unborn(TM). If you are having sex (TEEHEE!) and not getting pregnant, you’re basically a murderer.  If you are a lesbian, well, that’s just a phase, and you’re a murderer by omission. If you are celibate, well, why are you such a frigid bitch?, and also you’re a murderer. If you want to get pregnant and can’t because of medical issues, well, what did you do in a past life to deserve this, and why are you such a poor excuse for a woman? Stop whining and wasting so much money on IVF! Why don’t you just adopt!? Oh, and also, you’re a murderer.

Next steps: Now that you’ve learned everything there is to know about uteri (yes, the above text contains all the information you’ll ever need to know), first things first: you’re welcome. Secondly, go use this info, guys and gals! If you’re a guy, make sure to spend all your time and energy legislating uteri for their own good, and if you’re a girl, well–is your baby coming down the straw yet? If so, time to get gestating!

Love,

Shameful uterus-haver who has not had a baby, this post is all a lie, WHY AM I EVEN ALIVE,

Jackie

 

Please leave your comments below, unless you are a GOP legislator or the ghost of Antonin Scalia.  And if you have a spare five bucks, in all seriousness, Planned Parenthood is a wonderful organization.

 

 

What Happens To My Tote Bags When I Die? (A-Z Challenge)

Dear Higher Power,

I know you haven’t heard from me in a while, but I try not to bother you unless it’s, ya know, serious. Thanks for being a sport, and…prepare yourself.

I’ve been grappling with something big recently; a spiritual struggle that transcends any I’ve known before. I’ve been asking myself a question, and no matter how I plumb the depths of my soul and mind, I cannot answer it. Do you know, Higher Power?

Do you know what happens to my tote bags when I die?

For years, I didn’t give the presence of tote bags in my life a thought. Before college, they weren’t even a factor. If you went to the grocery store, your purchased items went into a bag (“paper or plastic?”), and you took the bag and brought it to your car and then your house and then the paper bags became recycling bags and the plastic bags became liners for your tiny bathroom waste basket. It wasn’t uncommon to have a drawer chock full of plastic Stop-N-Shop bags, just waiting to be filled with tissues and tampon wrappers, or to be vomited into after a really bad night at the dive bar.

And then, overnight, or so it seemed, things changed. “Would you like to purchase an eco-friendly tote bag for $1.95?” the cashier asked one day, her cheerful gaze barely masking contempt at my obvious hesitation. Why would I buy a canvas tote bag when the plastic one provided by the store was free, I wondered? But then I looked into her eyes, and knew that $1.95 plus tax was a small price to pay to avoid the shame of being publicly labeled as against the environment by Cheryl at the organic Co-op in the Financial District in NYC. “Yes, please!” I said, handing over my debit card and grasping the hefty canvas tote–to the cashier’s obvious approval and relief.

Suddenly, the cheerful offer to purchase a tote bag with every grocery trip became more sinister: “Do you need a bag today, or did you bring your own?” I was horrified to discover that it was now expected that I bring my own tote bags to the grocery store, so as to save the environment. If I didn’t, I was irresponsible, callous, even discourteous. Unplanned stops at the grocery store caused extreme shame as I babbled my excuses to the unimpressed baggers: “Oh, I was just out for a run, and then I realized I needed some milk. Usually I bring my own bags! I have tons of them at home, I promise, it’s just this once!”

It was never just this once, and the baggers knew it–and they showed their disappointment in their scowls.

But the truth was, I did have tons of tote bags at home! The drawer that once contained crumpled masses of plastic was now brimming with yards of canvas covered with the logos of every grocery store in NYC. And yet, I could never remember to bring an empty tote with me at all times in case I needed to make an unscheduled purchase–earning me the wrath not only of grocery employees but of my fellow customers at well. “Someone forgot their bags, hmm?” the lady in the fur coat would ask, apparently unaware of the existence of the word “irony.”

Then, after a move back to San Francisco, my tote bag shame became codified into law: California taxes 10 cents per a paper bag at the grocery store, which you can of course avoid if you bring your own. My tote bag collection, which had diminished during the packing process, was sorely lacking, so I slowly built it back up again, with totes from every establishment in the city gracing the floor of my coat closet: Whole Foods. Trader Joe’s. Burger Urge. That Store With The Fifty Dollar White T-Shirts. Even Walgreens, for Christ’s sake.

Even Walgreens. 

And here is where my spiritual crisis began to arise. What the FUCK, I asked myself as I selected two of my favorite tote bags, so chosen for their wide, sturdy handles, for a trip to the local market, is going to happen to all these damned tote bags when I die?

The purpose of these multi-purpose bags is to save the environment, but when I die, whether it’s six years from now or sixty, won’t my friends/family/children/pets/landlords just want to throw these things the fuck out? Should I provide for their distribution in my will? Will a crafty friend have them made into a really uncomfortable and ugly commemorative quilt? Will my great-great-grandchildren be showing my tote bags to their kids in a far distant future where they all live on the starship Enterprise? Behold, these are the tote bags of your ancestor, who lived before the advent of warp speed and universal health care; treasure them always! If they are thrown out, do they compost? Or will they just add to a giant landfill somewhere? And if they are thrown out, then what was the point of anything?

What was the point of anything?

WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ANYTHING?

Is it all a lie, Higher Power? Am I really helping the environment? Or is it all a conspiracy funded by Big Tote, and are all my canvas bags destined to choke poor, innocent dolphins in the ocean? What is the answer, HP? WHAT HAPPENS TO MY TOTE BAGS WHEN I DIE?

As always, thanks for your consideration, Higher Power. I’d like to hear back on this before Tuesday, when I’m planning on going to the grocery store. Whole Foods is offering a 2-for-1 deal on Spring-themed canvas tote bags with every purchase, and I’d like to know ahead of time whether I’ll be wasting my money or damning my soul and the fate of the human race for all eternity.

Peace, love, and tote bags,

Jackie

 

 

Please leave your thoughts in the comments, like and share if you enjoyed, and if you need a tote bag, just come by my place and I can probably hook you up.