Category Archives: blog

FYI: I Will Cease to Care About Anything on Friday Except Gilmore Girls

This is a quick heads-up that I will cease to care about anything or anyone else on the planet this Friday except for the four-part revival of “Gilmore Girls” on Netflix. Here are just a few things the existence of which I will forget about for six full hours:

  • Energy bills
  • My failed high-protein diet(s)
  • Nuclear proliferation
  • My unkempt eyebrows
  • Donald Trump
  • Neo-nazis (see above)
  • Deep dish pizza vs. regular pizza
  • Daylight Savings Time
  • Time
  • Space
  • Space-time continuum
  • Stephen Hawking
  • Feminism
  • Planes
  • Trains
  • Automobiles
  • Zucchini noodles aka “zoodles”
  • Fro-yo
  • Ill-fitting jeans
  • Red states
  • Blue states
  • Purple states
  • The oceans (all)
  • The continents (all)
  • Also lakes
  • 2016
  • 2017
  • 1066 (I know stuff happened but I forget most of it anyways blah blah England)
  • Most of History
  • Millennials
  • GenX
  • GenC (?)
  • Whatever generation I am
  • Non-fat Greek yogurt
  • Your racist uncle
  • Birth control methods (all)
  • Indiana (included in above “red states” but I want to forget it twice)
  • The New York Times
  • Fake news
  • Real news
  • Sort-of-real-maybe news, but it was retweeted by Joss Whedon so who knows?
  • Carrier pigeons
  • Ostriches
  • All birds, really
  • Whether or not there is a God(s)
  • Reptiles
  • Whether my direct deposit for work will kick in soon
  • Apples
  • The fact that we are all, as Dickens said, fellow passengers to the grave
  • Reality
  • Satire



Happy Thanksgiving.




ughhhhhhhh foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrr f*** everything: venting and then doing some real s***

This post is gonna be bad and sort of stream-of-consciousness venting but it ends okay so hang in there!

Here it is:

Ugh forever. Fuck everything.

I was fired up on Wednesday but now ughhhhhhh.

Look, there have been a gazillion pieces on how even if someone voted for Trump for “non-racist” reasons, they still voted for racism. If you don’t buy it after folks like Scalzi break it all down for you in the easiest-to-understand terms, you’re not going to buy it from me, so I’m not going to write another one here.

There have also been a gazillion pieces written on the Electoral College (google it). I fucking hate the Electoral College, since it basically means my California vote is worth less than, say, a Wyoming vote because something something rural Real America(TM) slave state history blah blah blah. So I’m not gonna write one here, either.

Don’t even get me started on the gazillion pieces about how the left needs to understand Trump voters more because blah blah blah. I get it; many of them are losing traditional jobs that aren’t coming back because #robots and they’re mad, but many of them are also assholes who hate that they had to see a black dude on TV for 8 years and sure as fuck weren’t gonna look at an old lady for that long even if she’s white. You can guess where I come down on that argument so I’m not gonna write my own take here either.

So here’s what I have to say: ughhhhhhhh foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrr fuck everything. The next four years are going to be apocalyptic. I’m especially excited for the inevitable Pence presidency, because, let’s get real, our Cheeto-Elect is not gonna last more than a year, tops. He’s never had to do any actual work in his life, and he’s just now realizing that the Presidency involves reading and sitting still and receiving criticism and not staying in Trump Tower among his gold-plated accessories unless he ventures out to grab him some fresh pussy. He’s going to resign, and if not he will be impeached, because the GOP would vastly prefer working with Pence (ugh) and, let’s face it, Mr. Cheeto has already committed about a zillion impeachable offenses and will accumulate more in his first five days in office than Nixon managed in five years. Pence hates gay people and women especially and is going to do his fucking utmost to take away our rights, so that’s gonna be GREAT.

And then there’s the worst part: the violence and harassment against minorities. This violence has existed for centuries, duh, but now it’s been validated in the mainstream by the dude who’s gonna be president. People are fucking scared. Hundreds of incidents a day have been reported since Nov. 8: women randomly getting grabbed walking down the street, Muslim women having their hijabs ripped off, black people called n****** who should “go back to Africa” (because it’s not like our white ancestors dragged their black ancestors from Africa against their will in chains, but okay, sure), anyone who looks vaguely Hispanic threatened with deportation (not that anyone should be threatened with deportation, but I’m almost tickled by racists who can’t tell the difference between someone of Asian descent or Mexican descent).

Also the environment is over and maybe there will be a nuclear war and Marie Le Pen will be elected and I can’t shop at Macy’s anymore and I’m a privileged-yet-depressed white bitch and I hate myself.

Ughhhhhhhh foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrr fuck everything.

Ughhhhhhhh foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrr fuck everything.

Ughhhhhhhh foreverrrrrrrrrrrrrr fuck everything. Also something about safety pins?

Okay. Thanks for listening. Now let’s do some shit.

Planned Parenthood Donation Link

ACLU Donation Link

Southern Poverty Law Center Donation Link

I told you the post would end okay!!




Jackie live blogs Batman vs. Superman months after everyone else saw it because reasons

Happy Sunday! The other night, I decided to watch Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice On Demand, because I am a sad person who had nothing better to do and did not learn my lesson after seeing “Man of Steel” in theaters a couple years ago. Hey, at least I only spent 5 bucks on B v. S, as opposed to the FIFTEEN DOLLARS I gave Zack Synder for MOS. As I watched this nearly THREE-HOUR collection of random speeches and fight scenes with the occasional Ben Affleck nightmare thrown in movie, I opened a WordPress draft and jotted down my thoughts. Also, this is a huge DUH, but…



Evil Mark Zuckerberg, aka Lex Luthor, aka EMZ for short

Ben Affleck’s chin butt

Henry Cavill’s chin butt

Amy Adams getting paid millions of dollars

Wonder Woman, who is The Best (TM)

A gross Zod-monster



Poor grammar and punctuation

It’s starting! I wish I had wine.

So we’re seeing Batman’s origin story again. Sure, ok, cool, haven’t seen that thirty times in a million other movies, fine.

Batman’s dad has a mustache, that’s new!

Jeremy Irons is in this movie? Oooh, Hans Zimmer does the score? Love it.

Who knew Batman’s mom was named Martha TOO?? I WONDER IF THAT WILL BE A PLOT POINT?


OH it’s a dream, nm then. Ugh dreams.


Flashback Bruce looks as dismayed watching Zod/Superman destroy Metropolis as I felt watching “Man of Steel.”

Oh good, this moron is praying now. Whatever, why didn’t HE GET OUT OF THE BUILDING? Stupid Jack, whoever Jack is.

So this is batman’s 9/11 okay fine

So I also hated man of steel, Bruce, but to be fair this is all zod’s fault as I recall so don’t look so salty.

When does Mark Zuckerberg show up?

Now we’re going on a world tour, okay

Oh god, amy adams, i forgot how much I hated her in this role and I usually love her, for real.

SHIT DID JIMMY OLSEN JUST GET MURDERED AND IS ALSO IN THE CIA? Or is that a random photo guy? Jimmy Olsen is a girl now, right? #feminism


I feel like that whole african village genocide disaster would have been avoided if clark had just gone with her to the village in the first place.

Lol YOU DON’T CARE THAT YOU GOT A WHOLE VILLAGE MURDERED CLARK? Okay, sure, you’re a big hero, whatevs.

Of course in this scene Lois has to be naked in a bathtub.

I miss when Henry Cavill was on the Tudors, and when the Tudors was airing. That was pretty much the last time I watched Showtime.

Yay Batman doing a number on these human traffickers!

Jeremy Irons just makes me miss Michael Caine. He’s trying to give the doomsday speech from TDK but nothing beats “Some men just want to watch the world burn” in Caine’s nearly incomprehensible cockney.

Okay Henry Cavill with no shirt okay i see where you’re going with this zack snyder I’m on board.

Here’s mark zuckerberg and he’s really going all in on his Evil Mark Zuckerberg (EMZ) impression!


Oh it’s Morpheus, hi! Bet you wish you took the other pill now, huh?

This seems like an unrealistic way to create news headlines and write a newspaper, how is the Daily Planet not out of business.

This movie is really choppy.

Oh, good, give Evil Mark Zuckerberg and his hair and hipster shirts access to the secret alien ship and Zod’s corpse, GOOD JOB GOVERNMENT.

Why is Bruce Wayne at Fight Club? Oh, right, the White Portuguese Russian or whatever

Oooh Clark is SUCH A BAT HATER

Every time Evil Mark Zuckerberg is onscreen I laugh. I don’t think it’s Jesse Eisenberg’s fault; Zack Snyder can’t direct or write or edit for shit, we knew this.



Seriously, Clark, you don’t know who bruce wayne is? go back to smallville you moron.

YASS WONDER WOMAN. Lex Luthor sure invites a lot of superheroes to his soirees.

Wonder Woman is even less impressed with EMZ than I am.

Worst superhero pissing contest ever–I THINK YOU’RE DUMB NO I THINK YOU’RE DUMB!

Lol EMZ wants to “partner with” Bruce YEAAAHHH HE DOES.

Wow, bruce wayne is really bad at spying.

I do not care that Superman saved this girl or anyone.

I am bored by this superman saving people montage, Neil DeGrasse Tyson cameo notwithstanding

Gal Gadot’s wardrobe is amazing, and so far she is the best thing in this movie.

Okay I am confused as to how we got to this weird desert-place fight. Is this real? Is this a flashback?


This movie is really just all over the place for no reason. I feel like the plot and various flashbacks/dreams could have been shortened and simplified and been much more powerful. And I know it’s not Marvel, but would it kill anyone to make a joke (on purpose) occasionally?

Okay I paused Comcast and made a salad with avocado. Yum!

I’m back. Ooh, obligatory batmobile vs. foreign black market criminals car chase w/rocket launchers and explosions.

Oh shit clark showed up and batman took a batmobile to a superman fight.

Okay for real superman is being very judge-y here. So batman put away one human trafficker who got killed in prison, fine, but superman should know after fighting Zod that there is sometimes collateral damage, including my soul after watching Man of Steel. He can lay off.

Shocker, Evil Mark Zuckerberg set up superman and batman and everyone!

lol soledad o’brien cameo!

Now we are moving into the extremely exciting CSPAN portion of the film.

Okay, so CSPAN was more exciting than I thought with ex-Wayne employee suicide bombing.

I am unmoved by this dramatic scene btw lois and clark at this time.

Bat workout/bat gadget building montage ftw! And while I prefer shirtless Henry Cavill, I ain’t mad at shirtless Ben Affleck either.

Shocker, Lex Luthor is spying on Wonder Woman, who is immortal and also KNOWS CAPTAIN KIRK Y’ALL! Now that is a movie I am excited for.

Unclear what Luthor is doing in the pond in the krypton ship other than generally trying to TAKE OVER THE WORLD, IT’S WHAT WE DO EVERY NIGHT, PINKY.

Oh, god, not clark kent hiking again and now field of dreams is happening at what i assume is the fortress of solitude.

And now a short and boring history of the Wayne family.

if they kill superman’s mom i’m gonna be real mad.

Gee, I wonder if they’re gonna capture lois lane, too! This bitch always getting captured.

If I were Lois I would jump myself off that building just so I wouldn’t have to listen to Evil Mark Zuckerberg anymore.

How much longer is this movie?


I just checked and there is a FULL HOUR left in this movie.

Superman looks real constipated as he flies around.

Please, let Wonder Woman get involved so she can help move this along and wrap it up. Bitches get shit done.

Ooh, now we meet the rest of the Justice League, this is cool! Love that Khal Drogo is in the Justice League.

I want Barry White’s expense account. GET LOIS A CHOPPER! GET TO THA CHOPPA!


Aww, no making out, I am disappoint.

Oh no Kryptonite gas and kryptonite armor oh nooooeees.

It is unclear when the kryptonite affects superman vs. not; he seems to recover randomly throughout the fight.

This is a fairly boring fight, like zero suspense as we know they eventually kiss and make up.

Um really? Batman is a murderer now, he gonna kill Clark? I don’t buy it.

Oh good, here comes Lois to be awful as usual.

It is quite useful that they both have moms named Martha! I CALLED IT, MOVIE, YOU CAN’T PULL NOTHIN’ ON ME!

Oh wow Lois is not awful for once; good for her!

Wait so that was all it took, them having moms with the same name? Now they’re friends? Really? This is how a bromance starts?


Alfred is so chill about battling Russian mercenaries remotely via drone.

Okay, I like this fight, this is good, old-fashioned, Batman ass kicking Russians stuff to save Martha Deux.

How awkward would it be if Batman just totally let Martha die? “Hey, so Clark, uh, bad news, buddy…”

Martha meets Batman: “I’m a friend of your son’s.” “I figured…the cape.” Literally only line I laughed at in the whole movie so far that I was supposed to laugh at.


That monster made from Zod and EMZ blood is gross.


Lol I love that Anderson Cooper is reporting on the monster with CNN scroll “ARMY CLASHES WITH CREATURE” that’s pretty good.

Wonder Woman is finally like, okay, these douches obvi cannot handle this without me brb flight attendant I gotta go take care of this for them because #feminism #ImWithHer.

The prez gonna nuke superman like a moron. I’m sure Trump would be all over that, he’s not a fan of immigrants, as we know.


I’m so shocked that by nuking the monster they made it stronger. Attacking the monster with energy NEVER MAKES IT STRONGER, NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF MONSTERS (*dies from sarcasm*)

Zod-monster is un-killable, except, I BET, WITH BATMAN’S KRYPTONITE SCEPTER AMIRITE?

I was right about the scepter.

Superman is enjoying a really luxurious yellow sun bath rn and he looks ten years younger, it’s better than a leech facial, can I get a groupon for that treatment?


Okay, I love that both boys are like, “wait, she’s not with you?”

Zero surprise that WW joins the team and the movie gets 10x snappier and more entertaining #misandry #mwahaha

GOOD JOB LOIS YOU COULD HAVE COMPLETELY AVOIDED ALMOST DROWNING IF YOU’D JUST CHILLED OUT FOR THREE SECONDS. Even Clark’s like, girl, just leave this one to me, okay? it’s cute that you try, but come on.

Lois, chill, Clark ain’t gonna die.

Wait, wait, wait. What?

Nuh-uh, is this shit for real?

I do not buy it. How do you have a Justice League without Superman? I assume he gonna be resurrected, I dunno, I didn’t read the comics, but he’s basically Jesus, right? I haven’t been to church in over a decade, either; I don’t remember how this works. Something about a cave and a rock and a prostitute?

Now there are dual funerals with symbolism and an engagement ring, and Batman is all like, “I failed him.” Uh, yeah, Batman. You totally did fail him. A lot. WW agrees with me, too.

“The devil’s coming omg he’s coming ding ding ding!” God, Bald Evil Mark Zuckerberg is annoying right up until the bitter end, isn’t he?

Okay yeah def Superman’s gonna be resurrected, floating dirt particles, okay fine.

After credits scene? Nope, not on Comcast at least.

Verdict: This movie was meh at best. I was entertained (and even surprised by Superman/Jesus death) by the last hour, but the first 1.5 hours needed some MAJOR editing. Also, a note to filmmakers: if your flashback or dream does not move the plot forward, CUT IT. Ain’t nobody got time for that. I would have liked the movie better if it had more shirtless Henry Cavill, as well, because I like objectifying hot men because MISANDRY, MWAHAHAHAH!




























5 lessons from the A-Z Challenge

The April A-Z Challenge is over, and I completed it! Yay! Yeah, I started late and ended on the first day of May, but overall, I’m pretty proud of myself. Wait brb.

Okay, back now, and, WOAH! So, I just did that thing that Obama did once where a fly flew at me and I def caught it in my hand and smushed it SO I AM A SUPERHERO! I am feeling pretty good about myself at this moment! I mean, I’m basically Obama now, right?

Ahem. Anyways, as I wrote this weekend, I wanted to share my (beware corporate speak) KEY TAKEAWAYS from the experience for my fellow bloggers out there to compare and contrast. These “lessons” are very personal to me, and are in no way meant to tell anyone else how to blog, but in case others are interested I thought I’d put ’em down on virtual paper because I always like reading about others’ blogging and writing processes.

Lesson 1: I’m a planner: In the past, I’ve always had a vague goal of blogging a few times a week. Sometimes I’d accomplish this, and other weeks I’d fail, usually due to procrastination or pure laziness. During this challenge, however, I made a planned commitment to blog pretty much every day for a month, and I set aside a time to do it–around 9 pm every night for the following day’s post. And, guess what? It worked! With the exception of this past Saturday, which was supposed to be Z but got pushed back due to my being in NOLA for JazzFest and then getting a killer cold virus, I didn’t miss a day, and I finished the challenge. So, moving forward, I’m going to commit to posting minimum 2x per week, on Tuesdays and Thursdays, with my planned blog writing time being Monday and Wednesday evenings. Huzzah for planning!

Lesson 2: Less is sometimes more: I felt better about (and got more views on) many of my shorter posts over the course of the challenge–especially humor posts. I’m going to try to keep my posts under 800 words, unless I feel like I need to go in depth on a topic. I can be a rambler in my writing, and since I don’t really edit my blog posts I need to just cut myself off. Lol not every thought I have is gold!

Lesson 3: Personal stories always connect: I love writing humor on my blog, and a lot of readers like it, too, but the post over the course of the month with the most views was the most “serious” one, F is for Fatass. It was hard to write, but it was worth it. I’m not saying my blog is going to become The Sad Sob Stories of Jackie–sometimes I need to write about boobs whether y’all want to read it or not–but issues I deal with like mental illness and body confidence connect with my readers, and are important for me to share, so I will continue to share them.

Lesson 4: Ask and you shall receive: Bloggers are always saying, “If you want people to comment, ask them to do so!” For the longest time I didn’t, but now I do and the frequency with which people comment has increased a ton. YOU WERE RIGHT, OTHER BLOGGERS, OKAY?

Lesson 5: Fun and engagement are the goal: Throughout the challenge, there were several times I started posts and deleted before publishing because I didn’t have fun writing them, or didn’t feel engaged while writing. I’m glad that I did this, because if I don’t like writing a 500 word post at all, or am not interested in it, then why the fuck would you want to read it? For instance, I’m liking writing this blog advice shizzle right now because I think it is useful and sort of funny, so I’m gonna keep typing away. If a topic doesn’t engage me, I won’t force it. It’s not like I’m gettin’ paid for this, so I’m NINE YEARS OLD I DO WHAT I WANT, ya know? So, have fun out there!


Anyone else participate in the challenge? What were your takeaways? Did you have fun? I had a blast 🙂 Lmk what you think in the comments! ❤

I wrote a thing and it was published on the interwebz :)

Hey guys, I wrote a humor thing on The Establishment (no, not the political establishment, but a women’s website lol – one person already made that mistake.

Please, please, please head over there and check it out! And if you’re not reading The Establishment, please start because it is GREAT! I hope you like it 🙂

Also, any woman freelancers out there, The Establishment is GREAT! I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THAT YOU PITCH THEM!


ZZZs and Zaps (A-Z Challenge)

This is it! The last post of the April (now May, I started late) A to Z Blogging Challenge! I’m here in New Orleans still, leaving tonight to head back to San Francisco, and it’s been an interesting couple of days.

On Saturday, our group went on a FANTASTIC walking tour of the Garden District in NOLA, where all the huge mansions are, including the one from American Horror Story: Coven AND Anne Rice’s old house!

Who’s the baddest witch in town?
Do you see a vampire? I hope there’s a vampire!

Then we got brunch (see below to gain five pounds by looking at a photo):


And then it started POURING. And thundering and lightning. And JazzFest flooded and shut down (no Stevie Wonder :() because lightning was zapping the stages and equipment and stuff, and then I realized I was ill from too much rich food and also had come down with a cold complete with sinus congestion, sneezing, coughing and fatigue. Soooo, I spent all of Saturday afternoon and evening napping, and after another INSANE brunch today, followed by more lightning and downpours and thunder, napped some more. So, basically, I’ve done a lot more sleeping (zzzzs!) and listening to lightning zapping (SEE WHAT I DID THERE? THIS IS THE Z CHALLENGE AND I’M RECOVERING FROM NYQUIL AND I AM REACHING HERE, PEOPLE) than tourism the past 48 hours. But you know what? It’s okay, because at least I can say I’ve seen the real NOLA weather, which is apparently out of control without the least provocation. Or maybe I offended some voodoo practitioner on my first day here, and he or she punished me with the rain and the cold virus. Or maybe I am rambling because YAAAAAWN this Nyquil is good stuff, y’all.

In any case, despite illness and rain, I’m really glad I came down to the Big Easy, and while the bons temps didn’t rouler so much in the last day or so, I have some good memories (and probably a good extra 3-5 pounds) to remember the trip by. See ya, New Orleans–I will be back!

As for the challenge, now that it’s finished I’ll be trying to stick to a regular blogging schedule of 2-3 times per week, starting with a recap of what I’ve learned from this experience. Thanks again for sticking through it! ❤

Yum & Yeah Ghosts! (A-Z Challenge)

Wow, I can’t believe we’re almost done with the challenge! Thanks again for sticking with it 🙂

Today’s “Y” word is yum, because the food here’s is amazing. Also, I have a ghost #goal update I MIGHT HAVE SEEN ONE!






We got lasagna, fried kale, cauliflower with whipped feta, crawfish Monica and strawberry lemonade, and a traditional southern breakfast. All delicious.

Also, we went on a ghost tour and I took a picture of the allegedly haunted alley behind the oldest pharmacy in NOLA/the US, and this is possibly a ghost?


All in all, a very successful Friday in the Big Easy!


X-treme Walking & Drinking

Soooo…remember how I was only going to have two drinks per day in New Orleans!? LOLOLOLOL OK, YEAH.

Technically, I only had three drinks yesterday, but the third was this Hurricane from Pat O’Briens (thanks to the commenter who suggested it!) which had, like, several shots of rum in it. So who knows what my count was yesterday lol.


I was preeeety tipsy. However, that didn’t prevent me from walking nearly 10,000 steps yesterday! Before my injury, I was walking minimum 10-12,000 steps a day, but over the past two weeks I’d probably been averaging 2,000 per day, so I am VERY proud of my X-TREEEEEEEEME (yeah, I’m really reaching for the letter X here, but the only other topics I could think of were Xerox machines and Xenophobia, which are both boring and/or enraging subjects. And I am proud of my walking, god damn it! And even proud of my drinking, because I knew my body and only had water at dinner last night and had a veggie pasta dish (which was delicious). Basically, I am a FUCKING PARAGON OF VIRTUE.

But, yeah. New Orleans is pretty great, though the heat and humidity are INSANE. You know it’s hot when you drink three big cocktails and countless glasses of water and barely need to pee because you are sweating it ALL out. So in terms of my NOLA goals, I’m at least meeting the sweating one.

Today is day one of JazzFest, and we’re hoping that Lauryn Hill shows up for her set, because you never know with that girl. Happy Friday!


If y’all have any more NOLA suggestions, please do leave them in the comments, they are GREAT.

Wet and Wild (A-Z Challenge)

So, I made it to New Orleans in one piece! Today it’s supposed to rain, which is fine, because THERE IS NO HAIR DRYER IN THIS APARTMENT! Witness:

weeeeet hair


So, yeah, I had no idea what to write about for “W” in this challenge, other than writing itself, which I’ve done before and which takes time, and, BITCHES, MY FRIENDS AND I ARE GONNA GO GET BEIGNETS WE AIN’T GOT TIME FOR LONG BLOG POSTS.

I anticipate being very wet and wild today: wet hair, rain, and sweat. I am not sweating currently, but that will change because I am in the AirBNB with the AC on high blast, and it is in the ’80s here and humid AF and I am a sweat machine. IT’S BAD. That being said, I love New Orleans so far. I had my first Hurricane last night and it was amazing and I was drunk after one, which is how I like my drinks (#cheapdate). I also had fresh crab and it was great. Basically, I’m great and my life is great EXCEPT FOR MY WET HAIR. You can’t have everything, though.

Stay dry!


Queens, Ranked (A-Z Challenge)

For Q day on the A-Z Challenge, here are the ten best queens of all time. You’re welcome, and also YAS KWEEN!

10. Elizabeth II: I’m mainly in favor because she is 90 years old this week and you KNOW Charles wakes up every day and is like, “SERIOUSLY, BITCH YOU ARE STILL KICKING? I’M LIKE SCAR IN THE LION KING I AIN’T NEVER GONNA BE KING! SOB!” That’s right, Charles. You know your momma’s gonna outlive you at this point, right? FUCK THE PATRIARCHY!

9. Latifah: This ranking is mainly for the films Chicago, Beauty Shop, and The Last Holiday. “Make me look…international.” BITCH YOU ARE INTERGALACTIC.


8.Elizabeth I: General badass who survived her sister wanting to have her executed, assassination attempts, war, and just generally living before the year 1900 to become one of the most powerful female monarchs in history. She would be higher on the list except for being a general bitch to Mary Queen of Scots, which tbh I wouldn’t care about because Mary was lame except there is a SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL FOR WOMEN WHO HURT OTHER WOMEN ACCORDING TO MADELINE ALBRIGHT, OK?

7. Queen The Band: Bohemian Rhapsody, Another One Bites the Dust, Crazy Little Thing Called Love, Somebody to Love, need I go on, really?

6. Cleopatra: She married her own brother–TWICE. That takes guts, people. Also her hair was great, and she’s a wonderful fallback Halloween costume for all women if you got a white sheet, a belt, a black wig, and some eyeliner.

5. Daenerys Targaryen: Also known as Christina Aguilera (you must watch Gay of Thrones), she is def headed for the Iron Throne. She occasionally makes some real stupid decisions, but now that she has Tyrion on her side maybe she’ll get her shit together. Also SHE HAS DRAGONS!


4. Marie Antoinette: Oh, Antoine, thinking of you makes me sad. You were married at fourteen to an unknown Prince, and you were by no means bright enough to even have a shot at surviving the situation you found yourself in. By all accounts, Marie Antoinette was extravagant and completely ignorant of life outside the court, but, honestly, was she any worse than those who came before her? Nope. Wrong place, wrong time = no more head. But, hey, Marie, you remain immortal: you, like Cleo before you, provide a timeless Halloween costume option for women of all ages, though yours is rather more complicated to put together. Also, that Sofia Coppola movie was fucking gorgeous.

marie antoineete

3. Evil: Lots of Evil Queens in literature and mythology, but I’m talking mainly about Snow White’s queen–and in particular, Regina from Once Upon A Time. To be fair, I stopped watching  Once Upon A Time after the season with all that Peter Pan bullshit, but Regina is definitely worthy of a “YAS KWEEN” or two, whether she’s leaning evil or good, which of course depends on the day. Lana Parilla kills it, really.


2. Cersei Lannister: (AKA Blonde Cher in GOT) Yes she is ALSO an evil queen, but she is also fabulous. She is also the most GIF-able Queen in Queen history, especially when it comes to shit we all would love to say and do but can’t because we are NOT evil Queen Regents of Westeros:

more wine


get out

Ah, to be able to be such a bitch! I dream of it!

1. Borg: Super evil, also (huh, evil queens really are the best, aren’t they?), but she’s a sci-fi cybernetic queen versus a fantasy world human queen with wine or dragons or magic, so…that’s a change? The creepiest part about the Borg Queen is that she can be, like, resurrected through the hive mind even when she gets blown up and shit. Resistance is truly futile. Also, she did this, and it was icky and creepy and awesome and literally gave me nightmares when I was eleven:

borg queen

Enjoy the nightmares, Queens!

Did I leave any Queens out? Let me know in the comments 🙂