Queens, Ranked (A-Z Challenge)

For Q day on the A-Z Challenge, here are the ten best queens of all time. You’re welcome, and also YAS KWEEN!

10. Elizabeth II: I’m mainly in favor because she is 90 years old this week and you KNOW Charles wakes up every day and is like, “SERIOUSLY, BITCH YOU ARE STILL KICKING? I’M LIKE SCAR IN THE LION KING I AIN’T NEVER GONNA BE KING! SOB!” That’s right, Charles. You know your momma’s gonna outlive you at this point, right? FUCK THE PATRIARCHY!

9. Latifah: This ranking is mainly for the films Chicago, Beauty Shop, and The Last Holiday. “Make me look…international.” BITCH YOU ARE INTERGALACTIC.


8.Elizabeth I: General badass who survived her sister wanting to have her executed, assassination attempts, war, and just generally living before the year 1900 to become one of the most powerful female monarchs in history. She would be higher on the list except for being a general bitch to Mary Queen of Scots, which tbh I wouldn’t care about because Mary was lame except there is a SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL FOR WOMEN WHO HURT OTHER WOMEN ACCORDING TO MADELINE ALBRIGHT, OK?

7. Queen The Band: Bohemian Rhapsody, Another One Bites the Dust, Crazy Little Thing Called Love, Somebody to Love, need I go on, really?

6. Cleopatra: She married her own brother–TWICE. That takes guts, people. Also her hair was great, and she’s a wonderful fallback Halloween costume for all women if you got a white sheet, a belt, a black wig, and some eyeliner.

5. Daenerys Targaryen: Also known as Christina Aguilera (you must watch Gay of Thrones), she is def headed for the Iron Throne. She occasionally makes some real stupid decisions, but now that she has Tyrion on her side maybe she’ll get her shit together. Also SHE HAS DRAGONS!


4. Marie Antoinette: Oh, Antoine, thinking of you makes me sad. You were married at fourteen to an unknown Prince, and you were by no means bright enough to even have a shot at surviving the situation you found yourself in. By all accounts, Marie Antoinette was extravagant and completely ignorant of life outside the court, but, honestly, was she any worse than those who came before her? Nope. Wrong place, wrong time = no more head. But, hey, Marie, you remain immortal: you, like Cleo before you, provide a timeless Halloween costume option for women of all ages, though yours is rather more complicated to put together. Also, that Sofia Coppola movie was fucking gorgeous.

marie antoineete

3. Evil: Lots of Evil Queens in literature and mythology, but I’m talking mainly about Snow White’s queen–and in particular, Regina from Once Upon A Time. To be fair, I stopped watching  Once Upon A Time after the season with all that Peter Pan bullshit, but Regina is definitely worthy of a “YAS KWEEN” or two, whether she’s leaning evil or good, which of course depends on the day. Lana Parilla kills it, really.


2. Cersei Lannister: (AKA Blonde Cher in GOT) Yes she is ALSO an evil queen, but she is also fabulous. She is also the most GIF-able Queen in Queen history, especially when it comes to shit we all would love to say and do but can’t because we are NOT evil Queen Regents of Westeros:

more wine


get out

Ah, to be able to be such a bitch! I dream of it!

1. Borg: Super evil, also (huh, evil queens really are the best, aren’t they?), but she’s a sci-fi cybernetic queen versus a fantasy world human queen with wine or dragons or magic, so…that’s a change? The creepiest part about the Borg Queen is that she can be, like, resurrected through the hive mind even when she gets blown up and shit. Resistance is truly futile. Also, she did this, and it was icky and creepy and awesome and literally gave me nightmares when I was eleven:

borg queen

Enjoy the nightmares, Queens!

Did I leave any Queens out? Let me know in the comments 🙂


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