A Guide to Ghosts (A-Z Challenge)

If you thought yesterday’s post was kind of heavy, you may want to gird your loins because today’s #AZChallenge post is downright SPOOKY. That’s right, we’re talking about fucking GHOSTS. G IS FOR GHOSTS, AND ALSO GRAB YOUR BUTTS BECAUSE WE’RE GETTIN’ CREEPY!

Below is my ranking of the best ghosts in entertainment, pop culture, and REAL LIFE (cue the ‘ooooohs!’).

10. Casper the Friendly Ghost: I’m referring, of course, to the classic 1995 movie starring Christina Ricci that made me kind of scared and cry when I was ten. I mostly like Casper because he is, you know, friendly, and ten-year-old me had a crush on Devon Sawa (who didn’t?) and wanted to dance with him at a Halloween party in a haunted mansion!

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Awww!

9. Ghost of Christmas Future: I’m referring here, of course, to the only worthwhile film depiction of Dickens’ most frightening ghost: the one from A Muppet’s Christmas Carol. Why the muppet ghost? BECAUSE HE HAS TERRIFYING MUPPET HANDS. MY GOD THEY ARE TERRIFYING CAN YOU EVEN STAND IT? GAHHHH. GONZO AS CHARLES DICKENS DOES NOT COMPENSATE FOR THIS HORROR.

muppet xmas
You may think I’m kidding, but I am not. This thing is TERRIFYING.

8. The ghost of a girl from the 70s my friend saw in her basement once: This is the list’s first REAL LIFE GHOST, Y’ALL! I have a friend who saw a ghost in her basement. It was the ghost of a little girl from the ’70s and she saw her for a minute. That…is the whole story. But the person who saw this ghost girl is my friend and I FUCKING BELIEVE HER, OKAY?

7. Patrick Swayze: Pretty good ghost…in the movie Ghost, I mean, not IRL. I dunno if anyone has ever encountered Patrick Swayze’s actual ghost IRL because he is, you know, dead. Which sucks; I’m not making light of his death! He had cancer and was way too young! I mean no disrespect! LEAVE ME ALONE, SWAYZE FANDOM! I’m just trying to compliment his work in Ghost, because it was a fucking GREAT movie and I cried so hard. Also, RIP Actual Patrick Swayze, please don’t haunt me or put me in a corner!

6. Bruce Willis: Same general story as with Patrick Swayze, except Bruce Willis is NOT dead IRL so I am OBVIOUSLY referring to his fictional role as a not-so-self-aware ghost in The Sixth Sense, M. Night Shyamalan’s pretty much only good film. Also, I’m going to include a ranking of 6A here to throw in an honorary shout out to the Ghost of M. Night Shyamalan’s Career. This ghost keeps trying to haunt us seriously with shit like The Last Airbender and The Happening, but despite all its efforts is usually more laughable than chilling. RIP, M. Night Shyamalan’s Career–as a parting gift here is a video of Mark Wahlberg TALKING TO A TREE because why was this movie made again?

5. Willow as a Ghost on Season 2 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Willow was only a ghost for, like, 30 minutes, but she was awesome and that episode, “Halloween” is great. Go watch it on Netflix right now!

ghost willow
Nice ‘boo.’ -Xander (who is an asshole, come at me!)

4. Me: The list’s second real-life ghost! As you may remember if you’ve read this blog for a while, last Fall I went to a party and stayed up past 2 am and therefore became a ghost. So basically, I’ve been Sixth-Sensing you all this whole time! Freaked out, much? BWAHAHAHAH I AM A GHOST! Also, a shoutout to the Snapchat ghost, who makes me feel less alone, okay?

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Me as I appear today. BOO!
snapchat ghost
My only true companion in ghostliness…

3. The Phantom of the Opera: So, he wasn’t an actual ghost, but a dude with a deformed face who scared the shit out of the 19th century Paris Opera in Gaston Leroux’s book and then in the Andrew Lloyd Weber musical of the same title. He is a great ghost because he is actually really terrifying and cruel in his hauntings (which included straight-up murder), but he is pitiable at the same time. He also sings like a motherfucking angel, and while he does kidnap Christine and threaten to kill Raoul, I’m kind of okay with the second part because Raoul was so boring and the WOOOOOORST and *snore*…sorry, fell asleep just THINKING ABOUT RAOUL. Note: this ranking does NOT include the terrible Emmy Rossum/Gerard Butler movie that managed to be both a faithful adaptation of my favorite musical as a teen AND the worst god damned movie ever made. If you want to laugh for hours, read Cleolinda’s “Movies in Fifteen Minutes” takedown of it, it’s good for a ghostly giggle or ten.

phantom
This is NOT the real phantom: “Oh, Christine, how could you ever love me! I’m so hideous, I have…a mild rash under this mask…also THIS IS SPARTA!”

2. These two little bitches: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Brb screaming forever and having endless nightmares.

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Two of the Scariest. Ghosts. Ever. God, that movie scared the shit out of me.

1. Helen from Wait Till Helen Comes by Mary Downing Hahn: This is one of the more terrifying and touching kids’ books I read as a child. I won’t even talk about it here, but encourage you to read it (it’s for grades 4-7, so you can do it quickly). Just read it. God, I’m getting chills and tearing up just thinking about it.

Oh, and one final honorary mention to the forthcoming Ghost of the 2016 Presidential Race. I don’t know about you, but I can’t WAIT to bury this son of a bitch and drive a stake through its disgusting heart.

Have a spooky Tuesday!

 

Did I leave out a ghost? Disagree with my brilliant ranking? Please let me know in the comments!

 

 

6 thoughts on “A Guide to Ghosts (A-Z Challenge)”

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