April A-Z: Cats, Ranked

I’m not going to lie: I am not the biggest fan of cats. They are kind of assholes, I am allergic, and everyone knows they will eat your face within hours if you die alone in your apartment. That being said, here is a ranking of the best cats for the April A-Z blogging challenge:

cats woman
WTF is this disaster?

Number ∞: Cats the Musical. This was the worst two hours I have ever spent in my life. My dad fell asleep in our pricey orchestra seats, and despite being bored out of my skull I had “Jellicle Cats” in my head for FIFTEEN YEARS. Silver lining: my mom bought me M&Ms at intermission. 

[Insert all cats ranked from infinity-minus-one to ten, inclusive, here. Yes, Cats the musical was really that bad.]

Number 9: Lions. Lions are great, especially when animated and singing or being portrayed by actors in headdresses who are also singing (wow, this list is becoming surprisingly Broadway themed). They will eat you, though, so also fuck lions. But they are endangered and murdered by dentists, so awww, poor lions! Lots of pros and cons here, is what I’m saying.

Number 8: Kat Graham. Kat Graham is an actress and singer who portrays Bonnie on The Vampire Diaries. I know she is not an actual cat, her name starts with K, and she is in fact a human, but, screw it, this is my list, so CHILLAX. She is pretty good on TVD, or was until season 6 when I stopped watching, but her TRUE achievement is being the artist behind the best song of all time, “Put Your Graffiti on Me (Tag Me).” If you haven’t seen it, you should be ashamed, and also YOU’RE WELCOME for me introducing you to it:


Number 7: Cheshire Cat. Super creepy and possibly high on whatever those smoking caterpillars were on; scared the shit out of me as a child. What kind of animal appears SMILE FIRST into existence to “guide” a young girl through a magical wonderland? On the other hand, it saves Alice from beheading (scariest form of death for me, not gonna lie), so he’s pretty cool. I’m okay with him.

Number 6: Feral Cats. Feral cats are pretty good! They kill annoying rodents, and are generally harmless to humans. Also, they provide volunteer opportunities for people to go out in the dead of night to capture them for spay/neutering before releasing them back into the wild, which basically makes you a literal CAT BURGLAR because you are, like, BURGLING ACTUAL CATS from their nests temporarily. Also, in some cases you get to use night vision goggles to capture these cats.

Number 5: Your cat. Your cat (“you” being the people reading this on the internet) is usually fine. I cannot snuggle it because I am allergic, but you generally have it up to date on its shots and it is fairly well behaved. Its main positive attribute is the fact that you put really cute pictures of it on the internet and I enjoy those.

Number 4: Garfield. I don’t think this cartoon is particularly funny, but my childhood dentist always had clippings of Garfield strips on the ceiling of his exam room, and so they always entertained me and kept me calm when I had mad dentist anxiety. I have fond memories. Thanks Dr. C, and Garfield!

Number 3: Catwoman. This requires a sub-ranking, obvs…these are the only catwomen I am familiar with, I know there are others from other movies and cartoons and shit BUT I AM NOT ORTHODOX DC SO BACK OFF, OKAY?

5. Halle Berry: Oh, Halle. This was just bad. Unwatchable really. I’m so sorry.

4. Anne Hathaway: Did a pretty nice job!

3. Julie Newmar: Classic ’60s, icon!

2. Eartha Kitt: HOTT.

1. Michelle Pfeiffer: YAAAAS KWEEEN!

Number 2: Tie between Scout, Maya, and Malcolm. These are the names of the cats of two of my best friends. Scout belongs to G, and Maya and Malcolm, for whose rescue I am partially responsible, belong to T. These are some very cute cats who behave like dogs, which I really like. I can go to my friends’ houses to see them and then immediately wash my hands so I don’t have a reaction without my friends being offended, which is great! Wonderful cats, really.

Number 1: The “Fuck Everything” Cat. This cat is a .gif cat, and may be dead by now, I dunno. All I know is I like his style. He is my spirit cat, if I were to have such a thing. He had my heart at “Fuck this thing in particular!”



Oh, and an honorary shout-out to Dogs! Dogs are, I think we can all agree, the best cats, in that they are not cats and are better than cats.


Tell me about your fave cats in the comments!

4 thoughts on “April A-Z: Cats, Ranked”

  1. Any cat that doesn’t present his butthole to me is right up there. Your #7 is my #1. I like the “We are Siamese if you please. We are Siamese if you don’t please” ones. Yeah, not a cat person. Those friends of mine who can name 50 famous internet cats, um, ewww. They have finally stopped sharing their videos with me 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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