If you are “woke,” or even just regular-old conscious, you’ve probably heard about the latest BS coming out of North Carolina: a law that is essentially state-sponsored bigotry in the guise of “concern” for women and children who might unknowingly pee in a public restroom stall adjacent to an individual whose genitalia do not match their own, which would lead to…death, I guess? Apocalypse? It’s unclear, but sadly a similar law is being considered in Georgia, because apparently some state legislators just like to watch the world burn (and also to watch Disney and any other corporation or individual with a conscience spend their money elsewhere).
Three thousand think pieces have already been written about the law, and other than the obvious bigotry and ignorance behind it, people are also outraged because SERIOUSLY THIS IS HOW GOVERNMENT IS SPENDING CITIZENS’ TAX MONEY? To that end, I humbly submit the following ten ideas for what legislators in NC and Georgia could do with their time other than pass harmful and hateful laws to discriminate against some of their most vulnerable constituents:
10. Clean a public bathroom: Honestly, the biggest danger of public restrooms is how FUCKING DIRTY THEY ARE. Who gives a shit what’s between the legs of the person in the stall next to you if you have to put on a hazmat suit just to pee without fear at your local mall after drinking an extra-large Jamba Juice while browsing the clearance rack at Nordstrom Rack? If you really care about the experience people have in public restrooms in your state, get some rubber gloves, some Lysol, a toothbrush, and have at it. EVERYONE, gay, straight, black, white, transgender, cis will thank you, and as politicians you should have plenty of experience cleaning up shit (especially of your own making)!
9. Legislate against people who pee on the toilet seat: Related to point #10–you want to talk about a THREAT TO HARD-WORKING AMERICANS? How about those monsters who pee on the toilet seat and then don’t wipe it off? Where’s the fine against those assholes? I don’t care if the person washing their hands at the next sink is a man, woman, cis, trans, genderqueer, or Martian, as long as they WIPE OFF THE SEAT AND FLUSH LIKE A GODDAMNED HUMAN BEING. You want to crack down on aberrant bathroom behaviors? I promise this is an issue all parties can get behind.
8. Try to fix poverty: Allegedly, these legislators are worried about the welfare of women and girls, hence this law. If they ACTUALLY cared about women and girls (and men, and people of color, and humans), NC and GA legislators could spend some real time brainstorming and enacting legislation to pull more of their citizens out of poverty, which would be helpful, as NC is #31 on the national poverty ranking, and GA is (gulp) #43. At the very least, they could refrain from passing measures, like North Carolina did with this VERY BILL, that make it illegal for municipalities to raise their minimum wage on their own, which could, ya know, TAKE PEOPLE OUT OF POVERTY and therefore HELP FAMILIES. From NPR:
The bill would bar cities or counties from imposing their own minimum wage. So any move to establish a local minimum wage higher than the $7.25 an hour federal minimum wage would be a nonstarter. This has been done by other cities such as Seattle, which is phasing in a $15 an hour minimum wage.
Yeah, I’m totally sure this bill was ALL about helping people, uh-huh, sure, okay!
7. Catch up on Daredevil: Don’t get me wrong-Season 1 was WAAAAY better than Season 2, but Charlie Cox has still got it, Foggy is my hero, and I’ll watch Deborah Ann Woll in anything. The point is, NC & GA legislators, take a break from the misplaced fear of things you don’t understand and enjoy some good, old-fashioned Marvel superhero death and gore–your constituents will thank you for it, especially if you miss work after a night of binge-watching and therefore are unable to pass further bullshit laws!
6. Pet a dog: At the end of the day, these legislators seem REALLY worried that some dude with a beard named Eric who was given the name Erica at birth and used to wear a pink onesie before he figured out who he really is might be taking a dump in the next stall while they’re shopping at Target. Being that upset out about such a non-event leads me to believe that they are suffering from some major stress, and according to Science, petting a dog can lower your blood pressure, calm you down, and make you a happier, healthier person! You can’t pet my dog, though–she’s allergic to bullying bigots, sorry!
5. Actually talk to a transgender person: Though they have every reason to hate the world, many transgender and gender non-conforming people are REALLY nice and open and would be happy to converse with legislators in NC, GA or any other state about their lives! Instead of relying on outdated biases to form opinions on trans people, legislators could have a beer, coke, or raw vegan smoothie with a transgender person and perhaps realize that they are, in fact, just PEOPLE–albeit often disadvantaged and depressed people, due to the discrimination they face.
4. Watch a Fixer Upper Marathon on HGTV: Everyone, homophobic misguided legislator or no, will benefit from watching Chip and Joanna redo crumbling homes in Waco for, like, three dollars. This should be required viewing for every American. JUST LOOK AT THEM.
3. Build a time machine to extricate themselves from the distant past: Look, these legislators are so out of it that they must be literally stuck in the past, so they obviously need to pool their resources, fix up an old Delorean, invent a flux capacitor, get back to the stones at Craigh na Dun, call up HG Wells, and come meet the rest of us here in the present.
2. Watch “Formation” and freak out again: Remember a few weeks back when Beyonce was the main thing ultra-conservatives were losing their minds over? Can we go back to that? Hey, legislators, watch the video again, and get REAL angry and forget to do the rest of your jobs! Look at her, all…dance-y…and…woman-y…and…black. And remember when she RUINED THE SUPER BOWL TOO AND MADE YOU LOOK UP FROM YOUR NACHOS? Remember how mad you were? Yeah! YOU KNOW YOU HATE HER, GOP DUDES, LET THE HATE FLOW THROUGH YOU!
1. Quit: Let’s get real, GOP lawmakers in GA and NC–you are dinosaurs. Your views are outdated and wrong; your priorities do not match those of reasonable people who are able to empathize with others who do not look, sound, or act exactly like themselves. Your greatest claim to fame will be when you are portrayed by an aged DiCaprio or Redmayne in thirty years as the villains in an Oscar bait movie. So why not quit while you’re ahead in the bigotry game? Just go! Resign and withdraw to your gated communities and private manors, where you can take comfort in knowing that the only person using your marble-tiled bathroom will be you.
Hey, anyone know how I can get any of these suggestions put into law? 😉
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this post, please drop a comment below! Peace!