Hey, like, dear 21st century people and the
GOP or whatever:
So like, right now for example. The Syrians need to come to America. But some people are all, “What about ISIS and terrorism and stuff?” Well it’s like when my likely Jewish forebears were being persecuted for their religion in Europe, right? The US was like, well, we’re not big fans of you guys and would greatly prefer you stay out of our great country because you’re gross or maybe Nazi spies or whatever. My great-grandpa or whoever was like totally buggin’. He and his family had to haul ass across Europe, somehow find transport on some disgusting boat with no masseuses or cell phones or, like, shoe shiners or anything, and finally settle in the United States. And then his kids and grandkids and nieces and nephews and stuff had to work their asses off so that they could create lives for themselves and, ultimately, become so successful that I now live in a totally classic house with columns that date all the way back to 1972! So by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier in terms of immigrants because, like, we’re a country of immigrants and the only people who aren’t actually immigrants and who ever had the right to be, “like, GTFO” were the Native Americans. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, and stop being complete assholes with no concept of American geography, we could certainly party with the Syrians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you it does not say “R.S.V.P. Christians Only” on the Statue of Liberty!
Addendum: Review of Cher’s speech from classmate Travis Birkenstock:
“Two thumbs up! Fine holiday fun! Also, love the lack of complete assholery and racism!”