Hi, I’m Helen. It’s Halloween this weekend, so “Happy Halloween,” I guess, though the commercialization of the night when the veil between the living and the dead is at its thinnest is really obnoxious. Anything for a buck, though, right? Hallmark and candy companies got y’all by the balls.
I guess I’m ok with you calling me a witch, but I technically prefer the term “wiccan.” My flying brooms are made of reclaimed wood with organic bristles. I prefer to use non-GMO ingredients in my potions, which are, of course, raw, gluten-free, and low-carb. My cauldron is vintage and I got it from this super chill warlock in the Mission who also runs a vegan taco stand. We’re tight.
I know I look like that bitch from “Wicked,” but honestly, that show is some mad cultural appropriation so I really don’t like hearing that comparison. Idina Menzel has got some pipes, though, I’ll give her that. Her singing puts a spell on you – and I should know, my incantations get thousands of likes daily on Instagram.
In any case, enjoy your drunken shenanigans this weekend, and if you see something flying in the sky on Oct. 31st, remember – it’s not me. Only poseurs actually fly on Halloween – and their brooms are from Costco. Blech.