Bacon Causes Cancer So, Screw It, Here’s a Beauty Post

Today is not a good day, namely because Science™ has determined that bacon is, like, bad for you.  So, screw it, here’s a beauty post because I recently signed up for an Allure Beauty Box and got it when I returned from an East Coast trip this weekend.  Like all white chicks, I love receiving cute little boxes filled with samples of creams, colors, and various other products packed in confetti, and this one was only like 10 bucks a month so I figured, yay, why not go full white chick?

It is rly cute right!
It is rly cute right!

In all seriousness, I do really like makeup and am considered a “mild makeup expert” by some of my friends*.  This is because when I was fifteen I was totally going to be an actress (HAHAHAHAHA) so my parents very kindly and indulgently signed me up for this overpriced acting conference thing in NYC where they gave you classes in acting/getting your soul crushed and also makeup lessons from a former Miss New Hampshire.  Now that I’m thirty, I’ve totally got my head on my shoulders and instead of going for a ridiculously unattainable goal like acting, I am trying to be something practical that is guaranteed to bring me success, fame, and millions of dollars – a writer!  Because all writers sell millions of copies of their books and are totally rich and successful!

Ahem. Anyways, so I got my beauty box and have spent the last couple days experimenting with the six products contained therein and am now prepared to review them in order from my least favorite to most favorite so enjoy and maybe go buy some of them or just enjoy them vicariously????

Product Ranked # 6 – Cargo Eye Shadow in Greenbay ($16 each normally)So, to be clear, I didn’t actually dislike any of these products, but this was the one I would use the least out of the six, because it’s green.  Like, I know that there are some people who will wear green eyeshadow on a daily basis, but I am not one of them.  It’s very pretty in the container, however, and I managed to not hate it on myself after blending it with my go-to liquid eyeliner (Kat Von D’s tattoo eyeliner) and some bare minerals purple-y stuff in the crease:

my eye, closed
my eye, closed, with lots of things on it

So it doesn’t look awful, but I would have preferred to receive it in one of the other colors, especially Flint or Pasadena (it’s luck of the draw which color you get).  I also think it would look good on darker skin, and I am the person with the whitest skin ever, so, yeah, I may have to regift this to one of my friends who is not a ghost.

Product Ranked #5 – Kryolan Lipstick Matt in Aurora, Eos, and Nike (normally $19.50 each)So this came in a little plastic thing with samples of the three colors.  My fave color was Nike, which I am wearing here:


The reason it’s not higher in the list is because I already have, like, four lipsticks in this color, all of which cost way less than $19.50 and can be obtained at Walgreens.  It does have a very smooth feel, which I like, but seemed to come off pretty easily when I had a glass of tea.  So yeah, probably not going to bother keeping the little sample around.

Product Ranked #4 – Bumble and Bumble All-Style Blow Dry Cream ($30 for 5 oz): I use Bumble and Bumble products normally, so I knew I would probably like this.  When I blow-dry my hair, I typically do the thing where I flip my head over and point the hairdryer at my head for about 4-5 minutes.  However, after putting a couple blobs of this cream in my hair, I did try to do more of a real blow out with my round brush, which I dug out of my sock drawer, and I actually liked the results!

My hair is usually flatter than this

Once the sample runs out, I might actually go buy some of this and make an effort to style my hair more than twice per month.  This is probably the first product I would actually recommend people go spend money on!  Yay money!!

Product Ranked #4 – Jouer Daily Repair Treatment Oil ($48 for 1 oz.): After spending time on the East Coast, which is significantly drier and colder than SF right now, my face was quite chapped (doggie kisses from my new love certainly didn’t help my skin situation).  Basically, I felt like this:


But then I used a couple drops of this oil for the last couple of days and my face (especially my nose and area around my mouth) feels SO much better.  It’s super expensive, yes, but if you need some repair after a lot of wind exposure or cold, dry air, it may be worth it.  The sample is .1 fl. oz, but I may buy more or ask for it for Christmas to help survive the winter.

Product Ranked #2 – Red Flower Lymphatic Phytopower Sea Cleanser and Masque ($42 for 8.8 oz):  Look, I have no idea what phytopower is or how a sea cleanser is different from a land cleanser or why this stuff costs $42 bucks but my GOD does it smell really good!  It smells like a citrus frosted not-too-sweet cupcake, if that makes any sense.  I sort of wanted to eat it, but refrained because of my chronic IBS and also the Poison Center recommendation to not eat random shit.  Also, I found that my face looked really glow-y and smooth after using it for 5 minutes.  Again, potential Xmas present request here (MOM YOU READING THIS?)!

Product Ranked #1 – Rituals Ginkgo’s Secret Ginseng & Ginkgo Biloba Hand Balm ($17 for 2.5 oz)Huge value in the box here as they gave me a full-sized one, and I LOVE IT.  After a freezing 1.5 weeks in the Northeast, my hands also resembled the cryptkeeper’s, and, my God, does this stuff work – my hands are SO SOFT I CAN’T EVEN.  And it smells amazing.  Also, I had this awesomely wacked Dean in college who was stoned half the time who would write weekly emails to our residential college extolling the virtues of the Ginkgo Biloba tree in our courtyard, so it also is a source of nostalgia for me.  For all of these reasons, this product is a definite must-buy in my book, and I will certainly be getting more when my current supply runs out.

So there you are – my first beauty post!  I hope you enjoyed it, as I’ll probably be doing this once a month when my beauty box comes in 🙂  STAY PRETTY, MY FRIENDS.

8 thoughts on “Bacon Causes Cancer So, Screw It, Here’s a Beauty Post”

      1. Eating eggs will not kill you; eat all you want. The WHO report is not based on solid science, unfortunately. It ignores solid scientific evidence to the contrary. Processed food can be problematic, but not all levels and degrees of processing are the same. The WHO has just added to the myriad of modern myths about diet and health that do more harm than good.


  1. I came over here from Millihelen on Jezebel (I am hungry for reviews of beauty products, and also procrastinating pretty well rn). Your review of the Red Flower Phytopower cleanser along with Brandi’s on MH makes me want to add this to all my Christmas wishlists. Sounds great (and I have a hard time finding non-drying cleansers). Also, what lipstick are you wearing in the second photo from the bottom? It looks awesome!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for coming over and reading! That Red Flower stuff is the BOMB I totally recommend it!

      So it’s actually the same lipstick as above, the Nike by Kryolan, just in different lighting as I was trying to show my hair. I don’t have a good camera so mostly just use my phone lol. But yeah, it is a pretty color and a nice lipstick! 🙂


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