So for the past couple of weeks, I’ve been trying to work up the courage to get back on the OKCupid horse and dive into online dating again. If you are under the age of one hundred and single in America, you know that online is now the only way to meet people. If you meet people in real life without reviewing a curated profile complete with carefully cropped and edited pictures designed to attract a certain type of person, they might be serial killers. And no one ever met a serial killer online!
As anyone who knows me IRL can attest, I am terrible, simply terrible, at dating. I just suck. People worry about me and judge me for it. I often use the online dating thing as an excuse for why I suck, but that is just a smokescreen – even if we were back to sixty years ago where a boy, like, officially courted you and picked you up in his Model T to go see a “moving picture” at the drive-in (that’s what they did, right?), I would still suck. But the OKCupid/online aspect does add an extra degree of anxiety because before you even meet someone you have to present what is essentially your dating CV and wade through a gazillion messages that either consist of “hi :)” (???) or “nice boobs” (they’re right, but yeah, not a great opener, dude). And I swear, if you are a girl and you message a guy you are interested in, half the time they FREAK OUT because ERHMAGERD A GIRL MESSAGED ME SHE MUST BE A FREAK OF NATURE MEN HAVE TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE PATRIARCHY!
I am currently in the revamping profile phase, which consists of:
- Deciding on pictures: I’ve learned from experience that cleavage photos are out (big-boobed girls out there will understand), so I now have to go through the last several months of albums I never shared with anyone on my phone to find photos where I look good but not SO good that I don’t look like myself. Annoyance factor (scale of 1-10): 5.
- Deciding how much to lie about my interests: I like a lot of weird/geeky/cliched things. How honest should I be? Like, should I include just one embarrassing and generally-a-turn-off interest (loving Jane Austen, yes, I know I’m such a gir), or just say “fuck it” and list all of them (every Star Trek series, historical Harlequin romances, sleeping, being an ardent and sometimes-annoying feminist)? Annoyance factor: 7.
- Answering a bunch of stupid “matching” questions: “Would you be jealous if your SO spent a day at the beach with their ex without you?” “If you traveled back in time and had the opportunity to kill Hitler, would you do it?” “Do you think Obama is a Muslim secretly bent on destroying America and recruiting us all into ISIS?” (To be fair, this last one is a great indicator of whether things will work out or not). Annoyance factor: 6.
- Pretending you LOVE outdoor activities: I don’t know if this is a grand conspiracy or what, but EVERY FUCKING DUDE on the internet just luuuurves hiking AND mountain biking AND kayaking AND skiing and would luuurve to have a girlfriend to do those things with him. Like, for real? You do ALL these outdoor activities and still have time to eat and sleep and do whatever job you have? Fine, whatever, I’ll say that I like hiking, that’s pretty much just vigorous walking anyways. Annoyance factor: 10.
- Listing the six things you can’t live without: a;sldgpaowejoshgpawjepfoweoasjfaw29u!!! Annoyance factor: I can’t even.
I’ll let you know how it goes. If you’re going through the same thing right now, I salute you as a fellow sister/brother in arms. If you’re already married/in a long-term stable relationship, God do I hate you for being done with this shit. Peace!